The Narcissist in Me

My life has completely crumbled right before my very eyes. Over the last several weeks I have never been so close to drinking my self into oblivion. The attack always seems to start at home, with those you love the most, with those you are closest to. A couple of weeks ago, my wife told me she wanted a separation. She Google diagnosed me as a narcissist with several very telling links. My wife who has her Bachelor's in Psychology. It didn't piss me off that she was wrong, it pissed me off that she was right! So I told a dear friend of mine about this and he gave me some solid advice; "Look at the man in the mirror."

Some People Just Can't Understand

People ask me all the time "how are you doing" or "tell me what's wrong". They just don't get that I can't because it's as complicated to explain as the picture to the left. Depression and the "whys" of it aren't a simple matter for those that are seriously clinically depressed. There are so many contributing factors large and small that, at times, I don't even know where to begin when someone asks me what's wrong. So how do I let someone in my head?

Fairweather & StormChasers

You can learn a lot from the coming of a storm. Living where I do I watch them on the horizon all the time, it's kind of beautiful... until they hit. The storms of life have taught me a lot too. Mostly they have taught me the difference between fairweather friends and stormchaser friends. Funny thing is you can never really tell which is which until the storm is upon you and really causing havoc. For a pastor, I found I had a lot of fairweather friends. But there was a surprise in the midst of my storm.

The Fatal Decision

I ever wonder if anyone that I talk to or minister to or try to help ever think about what might be going through my mind at any given moment. Of course not, but by those who know me best I am called the selfish, self-centered, and egotistical one. I really just wish I could get my brain to shut up for five fricking minutes. The only time my brain is quiet is when I play video games. The rest of the day it is a constant battle between the lies and the truth and the battle is wearing thin. But, good old pastor, good old dad, a good old husband has to but on his smiley face and act like he is loving the world. Nobody understands.

Even on my Darkest Day

Recently I have heard it said that the light at the end of the tunnel is simply a train coming your way. For a while, I could really relate to that, or at least that was the way I felt. Like, here it comes to finally end me. How can a pastor feel so hopeless at times? Aren't we suppose to be the champions of hope! Some just don't understand how dark it can get in a pastor's life and that's because most pastors are too afraid to admit it for fear of looking unspiritual. Afterall, I don't sign these blogs now, do I? If only the world knew who I was how things might change in my life, how they might look at me differently. It gets dark sometimes.

Being a Nobody

What's wrong with wanting to be a well know, and well liked for that matter, pastor? Doesn't every pastor want a full parking lot, few to no empty chairs, and faithful givers? Doesn't every pastor want people whom he guides to want to go out into the depths of the darkness and get their hands messy in ministry?

I think about Jesus and his three compadres Peter, James, and John. Man to be Jesus' right-hand man must have been something. But even these three fought over who was going to be the greatest. I ever wonder if anyone following Jesus just wanted to be a little bit closer, known a little bit more, may be called by name even. I feel like this sometimes, yes beyond all my theological correctness. I know that I have the very same Jesus everyone else does, but sometimes... most of the time... okay all of the time I desire to be Peter, James, or John. I am beginning to come to a hard truth that maybe, just maybe... I'm not.

Then all of my theological correctness goes out the window and I am stuck wondering just who in the heck am I then... in the grand scheme of things? Does what I do matter? Do miracles really happen? Am I even following Jesus? And I ask that honestly. I believe that I am and have been for some time but why do things look so different for others than they do for me?

So today I am sitting in a VBS music recital and the kids are singing about the feeding of the 5000. Honestly, I am halfway tuned out with all that's going on in my head. But I kept hearing "But I'm a nobody", "But I'm a nobody" about six times before one of the kids says "And that's exactly who God uses!" Now mind you, I have no context about what they are talking about but I know what I heard. And I wish I could tell you it was like a shout from heaven, but it was a still small voice in my heart that asked me "Are you willing to be a nobody, George?"

Andrew is mentioned one time in the New Testament other than the roll call of disciples. What was the thing Andrew goes down in history for? Bringing Peter to Jesus! That's all we ever hear of what Andrew ever did, though I am sure he did many great things for the Kingdom. But I bet if you ask even some of the best "scholars" around to name off the disciples, Andrew isn't going to make the top five. But what he did changed lives!

Right now, I don't know if I'm okay with being a nobody, a background guy. I mean, don't get me wrong... I don't want my name in lights or anything, I want to lift Jesus up... I just want the stage to do so. Maybe I don't get it because I will make it about me and Jesus knows that? Either way, I better get to answering His question on if I'm okay being a Nobody of Jesus.

The Perfect Pastor

He prays longer and better than any other pastor in the circle, not to mention he remembers every prayer request! He shows up at every hospital visitation! He remembers your birthday from the stage on Sunday mornings! He tackles the tough topics of sin in your life because he has overcome them and has no "big" sin in his life. When you call he answers... no voicemail because he is never too busy for you! This is your pastor and he is to be held in high regard for his perfect standard of living because he "lives the word of God".

Problem is, pastors... even this good, are a rarity and their longevity is growing shorter by the year. The average pastor, I believe the last stat I saw, leaves the pulpit within 5 to 8 years. I have been in ministry for over ten and have left two positions. I think it's time to take the capes off.

Why can't pastors be real people too? Yes, we are leaders of others, but just because we are leaders doesn't mean that we aren't people; that we don't have emotions and feelings, that we don't hurt or sin like the rest of the human race. We can take a look a the life of King David, who was a man after God's own heart, and he was by far a perfect man. But what made him a man after God's own heart and such a great leader and shepherd of God's people? What made him a pastor? It wasn't perfection that's for sure. It was pursuit! A constant pursuit of God. When his sin was revealed he repented and has anyone ever noticed he wasn't dethroned? He paid a heavy conscience for his sin but it didn't make him less of who he was.

We like to gather our pitchforks and our torches today when we find out that a pastor has failed in some area of his life. No wonder pastors are so guarded about being transparent about their lives. If I were to guess I would say any given pastor probably only has about five real friends. Those are friends they can tell anything to and not receive any judgment in return. If they are willing to admit it, it is a lonely life to be a pastor. But most get all spiritual and play the "I have God and that's all I need" card. I truly hope that is working for them. But I believe God called us to live in a community, true and authentic.

I have since refused to put the cape on because every time I do I am the one that gets hurt or burned out. I am just a weakened pastor with many sins and flaws that God's grace continues to cover. Why He uses me is beyond my ability to understand but I am grateful for it. I am a shepherd and I stink like the sheep! I even have sheep $*#+ on my shoes. I just don't see doing pastoral ministry any other way. Though I would love an Osteen smile and a Creflo suit I am just not that manicured of a sheepherder. I'm a mess because I want to be amongst my sheep simply being me... a pastor with his own set of flaws and sins that is willing to lead the flock to the One who is the Forgiver of all... JESUS CHRIST!

Maybe this is more of what I want to look like...

Forest Through the Trees

Some days it gets better. Some days I remember, or shall I say I am reminded, of why I do what I do. Today is a faith day. Today is a day that I am on the other end of my spectrum and am able to see more clearly than normal why I am where I am and the purpose for some of the courses my life has taken. And they all have to do with Jesus and me.

I had lunch with a very dear friend and mentor of mine yesterday. It had been quite some time since we sat down and caught up on the things of life and faith. He shared his struggles with me and I shared mine with him. The best part was we were able to encourage each other as brothers in Christ. This man has spent years speaking into my life and his wisdom sticks with me to this day. He always points me to Jesus.

Even after that I was still feeling a bit sorry for myself when I got a phone call from an old friend I hadn't heard from in quite some time. He told me he felt lead to call and share with me that my social media posts and videos were really helping him and he wanted to thank me. This was really encouraging because I was wondering if I was truly reaching anyone.

That was 10 mins before I went into a meeting and gave one of the hardest talks I have ever had to give in my entire life. I was told upon becoming a pastor that there were three kinds of talks you would give 1) The talk you have gone through 2) The talk you will go through 3) The talk you are currently going through. This night was option 3. And the response was phenomenal.

Sometimes I just can't see the forest through the trees. I get so focused on all the distractions around me that my eyes get taken off the beauty of Christ himself. I couldn't have or do any of this without Him. He is the source and I am the vessel. My biggest failure is simply His signal that I am doing things on my own again. 

What I Wanted to be When I Grew Up

Growing up I had many dreams such as many little boys do; to be a police officer, a fireman, a soldier, the President of the United States etc. But if you ever saw the 80s tv show Airwolf then you will understand the dream that stuck with me for decades. Now Airwolf was a for t.v. helicopter. The real fighting machine was and still is the Apache. I fell madly in love with the Apache helicopter and wanted to become an Apache helicopter pilot. Sadly my dreams were to never become reality as my dreams of flying high took an entirely different meaning, but that's a story for a different blog.

The one thing I didn't want to be growing up was a pastor! As a matter of fact, I didn't step foot in the door of a church unless a girl I liked invited me and even then all I concentrated on was trying to get her attention. No, a pastor was not in my cards. As a matter of fact, I could only hold a job for about 6 months on the average. I think my longest run was in a restaurant kitchen for two years. I can't count how many jobs I quit on the first day or the first payday. If I could sum up my two greatest skills they would be committing crimes (and I wasn't that great) and cooking (which I'm not too bad at). But it was the life of crime that I chose and the prison system where I ended up.

Funny enough, that is where I believed God was calling me to become a preacher/pastor. With enthusiasm, I wrote to my then hometown pastor who very quickly discouraged me from such an endeavor. Well, that pissed me off just enough to pursue it with all I had! And so I did. Getting out of prison I became a pastor and worked with the homeless, teenagers, people in recovery, married couples, I was on staff at a church and even started a little church of my own. Sounds great, doesn't it?

After almost ten years in ministry, there are days I really wish I would have been in an Apache helicopter blowing stuff up. There are some days where it really seems like going back to committing crimes would get the bills paid on time. There are days when it seems like going and clocking in at a restaurant kitchen and working my 8 hours would be less stressful and exhausting. I never wanted to be a pastor. God called me and honestly at the time, it sounded really neat and special. But maybe now I am beginning to understand why that pastor tried to persuade me not to. Maybe it wasn't because he didn't love me... maybe it was because he did.

Confession: I am a Depressed Pastor

I'm a pastor and I battle depression... the worst kind of depression. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. What's the point? We are supposed to be in the profession of helping people and it seems like there is a never-ending line of need. And that's not even the worst part, at least in my area us pastors can put on a good face of 'cooperation" but we really work in competition with one another trying to have the bigger and better programs then the church down the street.
I have been in ministry for over ten years now and I have had some really great and life changing experiences;  things I will never forget. I have also experienced some of the most painful hurt imaginable by the church. Superficial relationships, favoritism, criticism, judgmentalism, and the worst of all and the only way I can explain it is The spirit of Jezebel, or the subtle yet hostile takeover of a church.
Reflecting back, here is what made these times really hard; lack of support. We talk a lot in Christianity about being there for one another... but let's be honest, the majority of churches are word not deed. I was a pastor on staff with three other pastors and we should have been bound together so tightly that the demons in hell had no chance, but we weren't. Some were chasing dreams of grandeur, others were too self-important, one was too new, and then there was me the lost and lonely sheep needing his shepherd. Our nucleus fell apart.
Since then I have tried to stay on my "spiritual feet" sotosay. It has not been an easy journey. I have questioned everything about my calling and even my faith. I just don't understand God sometimes... okay, most of the time! Things felt so right back then. There was purpose.
 Today I am faced with uncertainty. I have an unstable job that could end very soon. I may have to begin raising my own funds, which has failed for me in the past. And people keep saying all the cliche things that I would tell others; "God has a plan"  "If God led you to it He will see you through it", "He is your provider". And I want to believe those things.... I do. I just don't know if I can.

Lastly, and the scariest part of all, if this last endeavor doesn't work out I feel like I am going to give up on ministry altogether. I don't know what that means for me and God right now, but for me and helping others... I will be officially done. I will be done with Church. I will be done with the whole facade that is Christianity. I am a depressed Pastor.