Family Failure

It really seems that a "prophet isn't welcome in his hometown". I can speak to so many about the Gospel and Jesus, but when it comes to the struggles of my family members it seems I am most ineffective. My mom is a non-practicing Episcopalian, my sister a Unitarian, and I almost certain my brother is agnostic. With my mother it's a "personal" thing. With my sister it's an "open" thing. And with my brother it's just a thing. I know all the "right things" to say to each of them, but it is never received how I thought it sounded.

My ineffectiveness has moved to knew levels. My brother is in jail. All he asks is that I write him. I have no good excuses, I just tell myself "I'll do it tomorrow". I know what it feels like to be in jail, to not have anyone write you. When it comes to my own brother it "feels" like the pen is 100 pounds. I guess, for me it seems, I'm still the big brother that always beat him up. Now, I'm not sure which one of us that effects most.

I also have a nephew who comes from a broken home. It is almost the same home atmosphere I had growing up. He is dealing with so many issues. I struggle with the fact that we don't connect more. I know what he is looking for, the same thing I was... a father figure and I'm not sure I can give him that due to the fact we are so disconnected. But I have to try, right?

And in the midst of all of this... I am a Pastor. A pastor that can be used of God to deliver a dynamic message, counsel people who are struggling and teach a plethora of studies and programs. Yet, in the light of my family it seems that so much tension, ineffectiveness, and discouragement is at play.

Now I don't want to make this out like it is my families fault. I know that I hold an equal, if not larger share in the spiritual disconnect. Giving an honest evaluation of my motives and insecurities I tell you that my motives are wrong in that I want to "prove" something to them by revealing some great truth in their life. My insecurity is always that they will reject not just what I am telling them, but reject me. Most of the time my insecurities out weigh my motives pure or impure and I guess there in lies the problem.

Feeling Stuck?

Do you ever feel stuck? Feel like your just "doing" ministry the best you know how? That can be a very discouraging feeling. Most pastor might not admit this feeling burning deep within them for the fear that if they did it would make them "nonspiritual".  Yet, this feeling exists somewhere between faith and failure. If we were to be honest with ourselves long enough to evaluate what is happening than maybe we would get the answer. Let's take a look at some possible answers to why we feel stuck...

1. Secret Sin- This is likely the first conclusion that most of us (or others talking about us) come up with. There must be some "sin" in our lives that we are keeping secret and unconfessed. Though this might be a contributing factor, I don't think it is the root cause. I don't want to sound soft on sin, but I don't know that this is the answer. None of us are without sin and sin doesn't have any levels. While I do believe that sin hinders our relationship I am not sold on the idea that it's the reason we feel stuck in ministry.
2. Not Enough Faith- We see our "stuckness" as a sign that we don't have enough faith to do what God has called us to do. My question for this is "Faith in Who?". Our faith isn't about us in the first place, it's about Him. The Lord said that if we have the faith of a mustard seed we could move mountains. The word also says that EVERY man was granted a measure of faith. No, I don't think the answer is found here either.
3. Lack of Communication- Now we are getting somewhere. This is where I know I err. I tend to be a "doer" with the motto of "getter done". Sometimes we can get going in ministry and think that we have everything under control. This should be a key indicator that we are definitely not in control. Time spent in a two way conversation with God in necessary to a vibrant ministry. Remember Prayer is a dialog not a monologue.
4. Unsurrendered- I think we have hit the target with this one. In ministry we get these ideas of what "we" want to do and we come to God asking him to bless "our" work. Ministry explodes when it's his and not ours. Now, I am preaching to the choir here because I struggle with lots of good ministry ideas. I want to pick the ball up and get it rolling only to hit wall after wall. We have to ask ourselves if we have truly sought God out and surrendered to whatever He has planned. It is here that I tend to think that if I surrender to what He wants that it won't look like what I envisioned. Most of the time that's great when looking hindsight, but do we realize that what God wants is so much bigger than anything we can imagine. What looks so small to us can have an eternal weight of glory for His Kingdom.

Let's encourage each other when we are stuck to communicate with God and surrender to His will, no matter what that looks like. God has a "pass or fail" grade scale, Pass if we do it in communion with Him, Fail if we attempt to do it on our own. So if we feel stuck between faith and failure today, take time to pray and know that He is with us, that He loves us, and that He has a plan for us! I don't know about you, but I was just encouraged writing this! Be Blessed and know that you don't struggle alone.

It Must Be How It Feels

Last night I shared with some youth a message that felt more like a mess. It was one of those times where while I was speaking inside my head were all kinds of thoughts of failure. I push through those moments trusting God like a pastor should, but some times those moments can be so discouraging. I remember thinking "you're loosing them", "better come up with something crafty quick" and "Just give up after tonight". Now, I realize that my thoughts aren't always my own even though they can sound just like me. Yet, in the midst of the storm who takes time to try and figure out where the storm came from?

Funny thing was I was sharing about having doubts in our faith. We talked about Peter walking on water and seeing the waves. Looking back now I see that I was experiencing what I was preaching on while I was preaching on it. Peter began to sink at the sight of the crashing waves, I began to sink at the thought of losing control (as if I had it in the first place!).

In most of today's Church culture it is taboo to say you have doubts when it comes to your faith (or use the word taboo!). For someone to admit doubt is to admit failure in faith. Yet, I'm not convinced that there is a single person who doesn't doubt at some point in their faith. Look at the early disciples; Peter sank and denied, Thomas doubted, all the disciples worried and yet Jesus continued to encourage them to stay focused on Him.

So, I don't know that an absence of doubt is an absolute truth in our faith. I believe doubt and faith meet face to face all the time. We choose to believe the doubt and in turn start to sink. Just when we are about chin deep we are finally ready to call out to Jesus and His hand is always there to pull us out of our failure. We need to remember... Peter got out of the boat! Period! What looked to be failure was an awesome display of the fact that even when we are doing what God has called us to do (get out of the boat) we still need Him.

Back to last night. Afterwards to young ladies approached another youth leader who shared the message with me and told him how it had spoken deeply to them. They mentioned how they were encouraged to examine themselves and their lifestyles to allow God to speak to them. I would have never known that impact was made if I focused on how I "felt" about last night. Sometimes, when it feels like failure, we have to trust God by faith that He is in control and when we do that... well there is no such thing as failure!

Sharing the Struggle

I must start by saying I am my worst critic. I am also my worst enemy when it comes to what I can think about myself in some of my most darkest moments in ministry. Now, this blog might not be for the "super-spiritual" that deny that they ever feel like this. My life is far from perfect and my struggles can be the same as any other persons.

Funny thing is... I'm supposed to have all the right answers! As a matter of fact, in my head I do. I tell them to people everyday only to struggle around some of the very same faith issues myself. Boy, if the pastoral community knew who I was they might wonder if I even believe in God. So... Let me clarify really quickly

• I do believe in the True and Living God who came in the flesh as Jesus Christ
• I do believe in the power of the Holy Spirit
• I do believe in the Truth of God's word found in the Holy Bible
• And I do believe in the power and encouragement that comes through fellowship

By this blog I am not saying I don't believe in God or His Power, all I am saying is it isn't always easy to believe... even for a pastor. So, if you find yourself somewhere between faith and failure, pastor or not, I believe we may be able to help each other through some of our valleys. What do you say?