Family vs. Minstry Conflict

I though it was supposed to be simple. Maybe that's what I get for thinking! I feel like that last string is going to break and I am going to lose... either way.
I remember the day I got ordained, One of things I was told to do was to put three things in order.

#1 God

#2 Family

#3 Ministry

So I said I would put them in that order and keep them in that order. Now years down the road I feel like it is backwards at times. Maybe it is and I'm not willing to admit it openly. The frustration is exhausting. 

I think of the words of the Apostle Paul when he encouraged disciples to stay single like him if they could. Really Paul??? Now I wonder if I'm even fit for the ministry because of the stress it causes on my family. Should family men be "part-timers"? I don't have it in me to be a "part-timer", but I can't be a "full-timer" either. And so I'm torn most of the times between three things I love.

God- I know I don't spend the quality time with God that I need to. I have lots of excuse and all of the revolve around family and ministry. If it isn't one it's the other volleying for my time. So where do I fit God into? Sadly enough, the likeliest reason I am even in this predicament is because of my lack of quality fellowship the God. I'm a Pastor, I should know better... right? I wonder how many of you struggle with this too?

Family- I don't get enough time with my family and that is for sure. Between working a part time job and doing ministry I am always off and running. My wife and I continue to find this a sore spot in our marriage. At times her pain over my lack of presence can make me feel like a horrible husband and father... then again... maybe I am. Yet, what part of sacrifice for the Gospel is missing here? I heard Billy Graham's daughter talk about how he was always gone, yet he was out doing what God called him to do. I feel stunted in ministry due to this. Is that wrong? Paul's concern for those who would marry was plain in that the cares of this world would always be an issue. So, where does that leave me?

Ministry- The only thing I am gifted at. The one thing that is interrupting everything else. The more opportunities that come that I can't do makes me feel like I am missing out on God's calling for my life. How can great things be done in and for the Kingdom of God if I am always hesitant about time constraints? Being active in the lives of others for the Kingdom is where my heart is at...but it is tearing my family apart.

So, let's just get "all the right answers" out of the way. I know that nothing should be replacing my time with the Father, but it is. I know that I love my family and don't want anything to come between us, but it is. I am re-created to be invested in ministry with a gifting that is beyond anything I can just do "part-time', but I am. My struggle lies between two things I desperately love...plus lacking communication with the One who loves me. I already know my "right answer"... Time with God #1, Family is ministry, and opportunities come and go... this is just my struggle. Keeping the order right isn't as easy as I thought it would be. How's it working for you?     

The Business of Ministry?

What are you selling? What are you marketing? 3 year plan? 5 year plan? 10 year plan? What is the rate of return? As an investor, what am I getting for my dollar? We need a strategy! How can we make what we do look more appealing to the public? We should look more professional. It's time we did some professional training for our staff, on their dime and time. We should only invest in staff that are going to be committed to this organization only....etc


What has happened in ministry that we have felt the need to go corporate? Must we assimilate our ways to the ways of this world? Statements like the ones above and many like them are the on-slot of a worldly hostile take over in ministry today. Ministry Organizations have been pushed into the corner by fear and man handled by "the powers that be" to do ministry in a "safer" way, a more "organized" way, a more "professional" way. Sadly, those making these pushes very rarely have their hands dirty in ministry. Power, Politics, and Popularity has become the driving source of well meaning ministries all over our nation. For a believer, a follower, a Christ One, it goes without saying.... You can only have one source.

I was involved in a hostile take over once. A dear friend, mentor and boss grew ill rather rapidly. He could no longer Shepard over the ministry. The board of directors stepped in "with the best intentions" (true, some of them had... some) and asked this man to step down. When faced with this my friend, mentor, and boss did so. The next couple of years was like watching piranha. You might think that the biggest shark wins, but not this time... it was the smartest shark that won. This person along with the board of directors turned a God ordained ministry into a "board ran, small business" ministry. Many of the board and staff through that process resigned and the hostile take over was complete.

Now I want to mention that I myself was duped. The next "boss" was also a close friend of mine, at least for a while. I watched this person become someone I no longer knew. Once a God fearing person whose insecurities deepened their faith in God turned into a corporate monster that demanded excellence among those who were once peers, now only subordinates. This person told me early on "I cannot be your friend and your boss." Needless to say you know which one the person chose.

There are two kinds of leaders, there are those who are loved and there are those who are feared. Leaders who rule out of fear rule because they are afraid. Leaders who rule out of love rule because they know that they are loved by LOVE Himself. My friend, mentor, boss could be all of those things because he loved and knew he was loved by God. He never made me choose which one he needed to be in my life and he never made me choose between him and anyone else that was invested in my life. Love and encouragement flowed freely from him and therefore when it came time for him to be Boss... I respected that and he didn't have to ask for it. The demands of a fear-laden leaders will get results, but destroy followers. It's sad that we have lost sight of this in some areas of ministry today.

When the focus of ministry becomes some "product" you are selling the waters get real murky. Results based ministry will always have a surface level of grade A performance but deep down will be consistently superficial. With profit gains and budget agendas, new project launches and community networking, from results based motivations and performance based partnerships... "Corporate Ministry" just becomes another cesspool of politically correct identity theft clawing away at Who You Are In Christ and why you were chosen for ministry in the first place. And Where does Jesus fit in during all this? Oh, we prayed in His name at the beginning of our business meeting this month... that's right. 

Maybe you are in ministry and have experienced this, maybe you haven't, and maybe you will soon. It is always heartbreaking to go through things like this because ministry is so personal and business is... well, just that "business". I went through many stages during my disillusionment like denial, shock, anger, rage, side choosing, plotting, depression, hurt, and hatred. I stayed busy finding someone to blame instead of trying to be the change. By the time it was all said and done, well... I had lost a dear friend and a ministry I loved to a hostile take over. Which will we choose?

        

    Or  

Falling Apart

It seems like everywhere I go or anywhere I get involved with or relationships I "know" are going to last, it seems things just fall apart. Is it me? Have I done something that has caused this bad Ora to surround me, this bad JuJu? Whether it's ministry or personal, I feel like I am "getting in on" things as they are on their way out. Ministries fizzled, people leave the church, students stop attending youth group.Then you have parishioners knit pick the music, the dancing, the chairs, the message, my tie, my lack of tie, hymnals, no hymnals, the coffee, each other! All a pastor seems to have left is how did things get this bad and how can I fix them!  
I don't know about any other pastors, but this one gets tired and discouraged when things fall apart. Now, I can hear you spiritual guys (or ladies) saying all the right things pastors are supposed to say to someone who is discouraged. I know because I have said the same things. Yet, in the middle of the mess, trying to find the right tool to fix everyones problems I end up realizing that my "Fixer" is broken!
When things are falling apart all around me I can be pretty hard on myself. I naturally assume that it's my fault. I tell myself that there was something I could have said, something I could have done, something I shouldn't have said or done! Just that quick, life looks like a circuit board and all the pieces appear to be "the same but different". It's times like these I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I'm sure you have never felt like that, right? I begin to search myself to see what "secret sin" I have hidden that keeps causing everything to come apart. If any of you have done (or do) this you know it is a painstaking task because we will always find something we can always find some secret sin to blame it on. If you say you don't have a secret sin, well, you just found yours! Once located, we try so hard to purge ourselves from the SS as if it's an invading army trying to take over. All the while, things are getting worse all around us! UHHHHggg! Somebody Help!

Psalm 46:10
 "Cease striving and know that I am God; 

Still Small Voice
Elijah, running for his life from Jezebel, ducked into a cave. (That's right, I'm not the only man of God that wants to hide in a hole!) In this cave Elijah had an encounter with God. Wind blew, Earth shook,  and the fire was hot, but God wasn't in it! Dan Stone wrote a book called "The Rest of the Gospel" where he used an illustration of a hurricane for our lives. The bands are like all the chaos in our lives. So much destruction going on that we can't even see our hands in front of our faces at times. Yet, in the center of the storm is the calm, the peace. The eye of a hurricane is also where all the power lies. I think long before Dan Stone put this in his book, God told Elijah the same thing. I think today God is telling me... us the same thing. We need to stay in our Center instead of trying to fix things in the bands.

Sounds ideal right? Now let's life that out. I don't always remember this great truth in the middle of the chaos, mostly it's remembered after I have taken a few blows to the head. God is God and I am not. He is the one found in the still small voice, in the quietness of life. I am the one found out in the storm, come hell or high water, trying to fix everybody else. When I fail at this, I fail decent! But praise God that ministries fizzle, that people leave the church and that relationships ebb away because winds blow, the earth shakes, and fire is certainly hot! Yet, God is God. I leave you with God's question for Elijah;

What are you doing here, Elijah?