Some People Just Can't Understand

People ask me all the time "how are you doing" or "tell me what's wrong". They just don't get that I can't because it's as complicated to explain as the picture to the left. Depression and the "whys" of it aren't a simple matter for those that are seriously clinically depressed. There are so many contributing factors large and small that, at times, I don't even know where to begin when someone asks me what's wrong. So how do I let someone in my head?
Here is the hardest part for me right now. I am married and have been for coming up on a decade. I love my wife more than anything other than God Himself. We have a wonderful family with three children whom I adore with all my heart. We have a beautiful home, two working automobiles, paying jobs... I should be happy. But most of the time I am not. Now is the time you would ask why right? And I would point to the man standing staring at the blackboard. That's me trying to figure it out, but I'm no mathematician. I have no clue what I'm looking at or where to start. I can barely recognize the problem though I see it written all over the wall and the floor!

"Well you have to do something about it and you have to do something about it now!" Believe me, I know this... it's in my head and I can't get it out. But I am frozen, paralyzed with fear because the problem seems so complex. My default is to erase the problem from the board... just erase it all away. But I have tried that in the past and the problem only reappears and reappears bigger and more complex. I know I have to get someone in here to help me with this problem and quickly because those I love have no idea to its complexities and their assumptions of an easy fix only make my search for a solution that much more frustrating. I feel totally alone.

I know that God is present with me. I am going to seek out a Christian Counselor to help me sort through this beautiful mess that I believe God is going to use for my good. I am just not sure what that is going to cost. I don't mean financially, but emotionally and physically. Never in the last decade did I think I would be so close to the "D" word in my marriage, but I am afraid that I am. But I believe in the vows I took and I will do whatever it takes to make things work as far as it depends upon me.

I really just wish I could open up my skull and show those who ask what is going on with me at any given moment because I don't have the words to describe it. The best I can get out is "I'm okay" or "Partly cloudy today" but if I opened up the window to my brain I don't know if people would understand a little better or if they would back off in fear. This kind of depression makes it hard to be a husband, hard to be a father, hard to be an authentic friend, and hard to be an authentic pastor.

Here is a video I found that kind of explains how I feel on an average day ...