'At Ah Boy

You know it's amazing at what a person will pat you on the back for. As a pastor "At Ah Boys" can be oh so dangerous. Let's face it... we like, no... we love the "At Ah Boy". What makes it so dangerous is we believe we are important when we get them and a failure when we don't. Some people will "At Ah Boy" you one minute and "Oh That Boy!" you the next.
Being honest, I like the "At Ah Boy" just as much as the next guy, but where I consistently fail is I let the amount of "At Ah Boys" take stock in the bank of my self-worth. When I am rich I am prideful and when I am poor I become depressed. This fluctuates like gas prices in the last five years! The detrimental toll this process has taken on my mind, body and emotions is a causality I am no longer willing to afford.

As a pastor I have gotten "At Ah Boys" for a variety of different sermons, decisions, social stands, rebukes, reconciliations, excommunications, you name it and I bet a pastor has been patted on the back for it. Yet, one of the worst "At Ah Boys" I have ever gotten begun a stirring in me that has shaped my ability to humble myself. It all started with death.

Some time ago I was asked to do a funeral for a dear friend. Going to this funeral I knew I would run into people I haven't seen in close to ten years. Most of these people had no I had become a pastor. Before the service I had people telling me that they had heard I was doing well and they were glad for me. Then came time for the service and I went up and introduced myself as Pastor @#$#$#@  @$#@$@. Many were shocked, in a good way. I went on in the memorial service barely able to speak at times due to the fact this was a very dear friend. When the service came to a close there wasn't a dry eye in the house, including mine. Yet, deep down inside I felt like a pure failure.

At the reception, people were flooding me with comments on how well I did. At first it was nice, but the more compliments I got the more my heart sank. Here I was at the wake of a close family friend. People were hurting all around, including me, and I was getting my fix of "At Ah Boys". This is sick, right? As the moments went on I began to feel more important, more significant, more secure. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My friend was dead. The way I felt inside about the "At Ah Boys" made me mad. In the middle of my sorrow, like a leech, I was sucking my worth from my performance. Here in lies the danger.

Theologically I know the right answers to Security and Significance in Christ, but with my guard down a simple pat on the back can feel like hitting the lotto. I am glad that God used me to touch so many hearts that day, but let's make no mistake... it wasn't because of me or anything I put together. I am what I am today because Christ had mercy on me and extended His grace to such a wretch. The glory goes to God because the work done in my life and the words from my mouth are His and His alone. Anything I have to add is failure at it's best.    

Failure to Communicate

"What we got here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach, so you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. And I don't like it anymore then you men."

So much communication going on around us at all times. I have heard well meaning pastors tell couples that their problem is lack of communication. I used to think that was the problem to, until during a time of personal marriage counseling our counselor said to my wife and I; "You communicate just fine... you're just saying all the wrong things". That is failure to communicate! Non-communication is just that "NON", but failure is trying to communicate and saying all the wrong things. We communicate so selfishly. "Which is the way he wants it", this is what lies behind the failure to communicate. I'm not just talking about marriage here. Most relationships we have are centered around self (if we take an honest look). Just pay attention to when someone asks you how you are doing. Do they really want to know, or is it just a pleasantry we are taught to say. As pleasantry for someone who is hurting this can be even more devastating. Failure to communicate.

John- How are you today Alex?

Alex- I'm ok I guess, my mom is kind of sick and that's bugging me a bit

John- I sure am swamped,  glad you're ok, see you tomorrow.

So consumed with our own needs that we don't even here the communication that is being transmitted to us. Need I go on? Now, John might not be the bad guy. Alex might have said he was fine when he really wasn't. That is still communication. As a matter of fact, we communicate more with what we don't say most of the time. Christians are the worst at this. We fail at communicating because a lot of the time we speak another language, let's call it Christianize. We can do more damage simply by trying to have all the right religious answers. 

What about those men that "you just can't reach"? I know, as a pastor, I have tried tactic after tactic to reach the "unreachables". In the end I have only felt like I just beat them with a club and "I don't like that anymore then you men". No, I have found that a simple and authentic relationship with those "unreachables" always works better. We have to allow God to do the reaching.

Speaking of God. Let's turn the tables on us for a moment. Is there a failure to communicate in our relationship with God? Is it His failure? I believe God is always communicating with us, it's just;

"What we got here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach, so you get what we had here last week, which is the way he (us) wants it. Well, he gets it. And I don't like it anymore then you men."

Imagine God saying that about us! I am sure He has said it about me! Mostly, I have no problem communicating TO God, but communication FROM God is another story.... at least for me. Again it boils down to selfishness. "Do I really want to do what God says?" By now, especially as a pastor, you might think that He says "jump" and I say "how high" every time. Unfortunately, sometimes He says "Jump" and I say "Did you hear something? Oh, I know what I'll do. I'll run."  God didn't say run! He said Jump! But I know better then He does... don't I?

Wow, I totally wasn't going this direction with tonight's writing. I had something different I wanted to get off my chest, but God must have had other plans for you and for me tonight. I truly pray that this helps someone and I didn't fail to communicate. Peace be with you and remember, You are always communicating.

Relational Failure

Today's relationships are as easy to break up as clicking an "UnFriend" button. What have relationships come to that the intimacy and honesty are missing and a vague sense of acquaintance is all we are left with. The sad thing is we take that vague sense of  acquaintance and dress it up with a superficial pleasantries that cater to our emotional need at the time. When needs change, the dress comes off, or we are challenged by actions or words we don't agree with we simply "hit the UnFriend button" and the relationship is over. This has been a constant failure both in my past and in my present time of life. The old song "Breaking up is hard to do" just doesn't apply anymore. We have become callous to the physical, emotional, and spiritual effects of broken relationships. This is an epic failure that we have taken as a norm for today's world. I don't know about you, but I don't want this relational failure in my life!
We take a look at Jesus going to the cross for the reconciliation of our relationship with God. He literally made us friends with God. That word friend falls on us lightly. For us, friend means someone who is like me; same interests, same desires, same direction. A friend has become our "yes" person instead of our "I painfully love you person". Jesus went through the pain, agony, and shame to restore relationship! We tend to go through the pain, agony, and shame only to tear it down.
We are given the ministry of reconciliation. We are to be restorers, not destroyers. Taking our offense or holding to our "rights" will always destroy. We have to see our relationships as more valuable than whatever problem or disagreement is. We have to take of the superficial mask of avoidance that we wear when we say "I forgive you (but don't want to be around you)" and replace it with the authentic forgiveness in light of the cross of Christ.
Today I am more towards the faith department because I put this into practice yesterday when God restored a relationship that had been separated by an unspoken goodbye. As much as I want to be right or to hold onto my offense, division and separation isn't the process that Christ has laid out. Reconciliation, no matter how painful, how agonizing, or how shameful it may seem is always Gods plan when it comes to our relationships.  

"Galloping Gertie"

"Slender, elegant and graceful, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge stretched like a steel ribbon across Puget Sound in 1940. The third longest suspension span in the world opened on July 1st. Only four months later, the great span's short life ended in disaster. "Galloping Gertie," collapsed in a windstorm on November 7,1940. 
The bridge became famous as "the most dramatic failure in bridge engineering history." Now, it's also "one of the world's largest man-made reefs." The sunken remains of Galloping Gertie were placed on the National Register of Historic Places in 1992 to protect her from salvagers. 
A dramatic tale of failure and success
The story of the failure of the 1940 Narrows Bridge and the success of the Current Narrows Bridge is a great American saga. When Galloping Gertie splashed into Puget Sound, it created ripple effects across the nation and around the world. The event changed forever how engineers design suspension bridges. Gertie's failure led to the safer suspension spans we use today." ~YouTube Video Caption


Faith can be shaken when the Gale winds of life come to test our suspension. I think like Ole Galloping Gertie we have all experienced a storm that broke us. For some it was complete destruction and that always feels like failure. But is it? Is it failure when we experience brokenness because of the storms of life? 


"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently" ~unknown

This quote I came across has stuck with me through the years. I can't remember ever seeing my perceived "Gerties" as the learning ground for the future bridges God was wanting to build in my life. Galloping Gertie was perceived to be a failure the day it collapsed, but it's failure led to the future safety structures we depend on today.

I think the most astounding thing is that the bridge was rebuilt. Failure only lies in not getting back up to fight again. Some bridges in our lives can't withstand the storms of life, but that doesn't mean they are useless when they fail. God is in the life engineering business and doesn't want us depending on what is wavering and being prepared for brokenness, but on the only Constant we have in life... Christ!

Today, our "Great Faith Saga" is that what the enemy means for harm, God uses for good. Our Galloping Gerties may seem to be failures of epic proportions, But God is in the engineering business to build better bridges crossing the great divides in our lives. Don't be swayed by the promise of success or the perception of failure, but be prepared for the presence of peace from the One who can withstand the storm.     

More Than A River In Egypt

"Da-Nile" or "Denial"???

"Da-Nile" is more than a river in Egypt. Denial is a river that runs through most of our lives at some time or another. For some of us it is a constant flow with very little life. There have been several stages of denial in my life, but no matter how long I decide I want to swim in my stench, sooner or later I see the consuming (wet or dry) monster for what it is. Let's face it, Oranges are Oranges, Apples are Apples and Banana's are Banana's! No matter what kind of "Make up" or "Make Believe" we put on, denial isn't hard to see through. Unfortunately we are always the last ones to see through our own denial.


Yesterday I had a breakthrough. In years past I worked for a very heartbreaking ministry. At first it was a joy to be involved, but as years past the weight of sorrow and the power of politics (yes, politics in ministry if you can imagine that) took my eyes off of Jesus. I never meant for it to happen. As a matter of fact, until the very end I didn't even know it was happening. But it did. Yesterday I was speaking with the person who now holds my old position. The talk was great. To see his heart and the fire that burned deep within him reminded me of myself. He asked me about my struggles and surprisingly I was quite candid with him. For the first time ever, I heard myself admit things that I held deep within my soul. For the first time, I peeled back my heart to show someone else that I was indeed a banana.
I bet if more pastors where transparent enough to reveal what's underneath we would see the denial in the church all but dry up. Yet, most pastors fear the transparent because of all the crocodiles that come out of the wood work to bit and devour the wounded. We pastors run along the river banks running in packs trying to protect each other from the crocs. All the while, WE ARE RUNNING THE BANKS OF "DA-NILE". 

Yesterday was a breath of fresh air. In all the boast of ministry, we as pastors get hurt, burned out, tired and discouraged. It's amazing the amount of pastors that find Sunday night or Monday the most depressing days of the week. Just when everyone thought that pastors had it all together... we struggle like anyone else. If we're not careful we will find ourselves drowning in the depths of denial with crocs just waiting for us to run out of strength so that we become their next meal. Hey Banana.... YOU'RE A BANANA! Deal with it.

I Must Be Famous!

Epic Fail! It seems that could be my mantra for most days, at least according to my feelings. It seems of late I have had a knack for screwing up my role as husband, father, friend, mentor, and why not throw pastor in there as well. My long list of epic fails causes an epic amount of frustration and anger. When we are angry it is always easy to take it out on the ones we love and that causes conflict and tension.

The epic fail equals an epic amount of frustration, anger, conflict and tension. Hmmmm, it seems I remember those words from some of my training.


Told she was wasting her time and was to shy, Lucille Ball made it. Turned down because the sound was no good, The Beatles made it. Failed soldier and farmer, Ulysses S. Grant made it. Cut from the high school basketball team, Micheal Jordan made it. Told he was stupid, Thomas Eddison made it. Fired for not having an imagination, Walt Disney made it. Defeated in 8 elections and had a nervous breakdown, Abraham Lincoln made it.

So what about men like David who gave in to temptation? Made it! Elijah who ran and hid from Jezebel? Made it! Daniel in the lions den? Made It! Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego? Made it! Paul being stoned? Made it! And most of all... JESUS? Made it!

Many times what appears to us or the world around us to be failure really isn't! We meet with frustration, anger, conflict and tension because we want things to go our way instead of Gods (I.E. the flesh). The more we go this route the more we experience the epic feelings of failure. How do we get out of this turmoil?

Christ's Epic Victory! God has one grading scale, Pass or Fail. No matter what the results are or appear to be, if what we do we do in fellowship with Him by faith... PASS! No matter what the results are or appear to be, if we do it outside of fellowship with Him and on our own... FAIL. Results are up to God to sort out. The only difference between me and the people in this video or the men of the Bible, I am to willing to believe how I feel and the results I can see than knowing by faith that God has the results under control.

If I were to define myself by my failures I'd be famous. But ALL my failures aside, Christ succeeded! The funny thing about Christ's success is that to the world it looked like utter failure. We should think about that the next time we "feel the failure".

Feeling Short Changed???

So when it rains it pours, even for pastors. The last couple of weeks have been really stressful for me. It seems as if my heart sinks every time I hear the mail car come to the mail box... I used to love receiving mail. Bills are piling up, food getting more expensive, gas more expensive and used more, diapers x2, it feels like a sinking ship. I ask within my heart, "God, what's going on?" Working the ministry by day and a part-time job by night is wearing me out and yet my heart's desire is to be about my Father's business. Living doesn't seem like living at all. I feel as if I'm in the shadow of my loose change.

I sure am glad to know that I can't go on my feelings all the time! More often than not my feelings lie to me. I take a step back and see all of God's provision. He told me starting out that provision would come from where I least expected it to. He has proven himself right every time. People with very little are helping us keep our ends met. Food stays in the refrigerator and I don't know how! I call to find out why a certain bill is higher than normal and the company tells me it's not a bill but a credit! A friend stops by late at night on the way home from church and says, "God told me to give you this." handing us some cash. Provision!

Yet, I sit here now wondering how in the world I am going to pay my bills. What's wrong with me! It seems the more God shows His unfailing provision, the more I wonder how "I'm going to do it". At times it can be so easy to get caught up in the "I'll believe it when I see it" and then God shows it to me and I still doubt!

I don't want to sound all "unspiritual" with my doubts. I don't doubt God is God. I don't even doubt that God can provide. What I always end up doubting is "This Time". Will God provide "this time". I have had well meaning pastor and minister friends say all the right spiritual things like; "You have to stand on His word", "Believe like you know it's going to happen" and my favorite "Claim it and it's yours"! Easy things to say when you know Christianeese.

I want an authentic faith that is proven throughout life's storms. I guess that is why God has me in this spot. Let's call it "on the job training". When I tell someone else to trust God to provide, I don't want it to be some wishy washy pastoral nicety. I want it to come from a place deep within me that has struggled with the same issue honestly, transparently (coming from a ghost writer!), and authentically. I want it to be real.

One thing I am continuing to learn is that God is faithful... period. Struggling with all my doubts is just that, My Doubts. God and His work aren't effected by my doubts. Only I am. My inability to trust God doesn't hinder Him, it hinders me from seeing what He is doing right before my eyes. God is faithful. Being in this place of poverty is like no other place I have been. I have more opportunity to see God at work than if I were rich. If I were rich I doubt my heart would be set on God anyway. No, I would not trade the spiritual wealth of poverty for the worldly wealth of spiritual poverty. I'm content with my change!