The Narcissist in Me

My life has completely crumbled right before my very eyes. Over the last several weeks I have never been so close to drinking my self into oblivion. The attack always seems to start at home, with those you love the most, with those you are closest to. A couple of weeks ago, my wife told me she wanted a separation. She Google diagnosed me as a narcissist with several very telling links. My wife who has her Bachelor's in Psychology. It didn't piss me off that she was wrong, it pissed me off that she was right! So I told a dear friend of mine about this and he gave me some solid advice; "Look at the man in the mirror."
Here is the sad part, I am a narcissist that desperately does not want to be a narcissist. So I went online to try and find a few books that might help, but all I could find were books on how to get away from "those narcissistic toxic people (men)" in your life. Is there no hope for change? I have known the Gospel for quite some time now, I must have missed something. How can a pastor be narcissistic? Oh, wait... that actually kind of makes perfect sense!

I started to read up on narcissism and they make it sound so bad, so intentional; like the narcissist plans to be the way he is and likes it. That's not so in my case. Maybe I'm not a true narcissist? I have just about all the quality traits and characteristics of a narcissist and narcissistic rage though. For me, it's more of a robotic defect that seems to be my default setting. Most of the time I don't even realize I hurt people with my words or actions, but when I do I feel bad, I just don't know how to express it so it comes out as more anger.

I do love attention and get slighted very easily. Those are defects I am aware of and working on. I build and hold resentment and unleash it on the undeserving, mostly my family because they are the ones I am most comfortable with and I know they will forgive me. It's hard for me to show any emotions other than anger, frustration, or hurt because I know those so well and they work. They get your attention.

The biggest thing I am learning about the narcissist in me is that I don't like him. He is selfish, self-centered, and egotistical. The Gospel calls me to love others as I love myself, well I love me some me! But that's, unfortunately, is not what He means. He calls us to love others as we know how God loves us. And that's the icebreaker right there folks... my narcissism was crucified with Christ on the Cross 2000 + years ago.

As I sit here and write this right now I am reminded that I am to love my wife as Christ loves the Church... SACRIAFICALLY! My wife has not been sacrificed for in a long time because I have been so stuck in my dark cloud of doom. 

Today and into my tomorrows, I will take my friends advice and I will take a look at the man in the mirror and I'm going to ask him; "Who are you going to live for today?" And if that megalomaniac answers me back I'll know it's time to pray up, serve someone else, and force myself to love even if it is inconvient and hurts.