There is this prayer that I have only prayed a couple of times, but each time I prayed it... God has totally wrecked my life. The first version of it was "God, do what ever it takes to bring me to you." I was about 21 or 22 years old. I was engaged to a beautiful young lady and what she was doing with me I have no idea! I was a drug addict and alcoholic that had career plans of being a criminal. We had been engaged for about 2 years and our relationship was at its end. I laid in bed next to her and prayed "God, do what ever it takes to bring me to you." A few short weeks this young lady finally had enough and left me and I was later arrested for crimes I committed and on my way to prison. This is where I surrendered to Christ. My life was wrecked, but in the end I gained so much more than I lost! Especially since when I got out of prison I only had a single box of belongings to my name.
So many good (and bad) things happened in the years to come. Some are contained in this blog. Ultimately, I served the Lord, Found a beautiful wife that far surpassed my dreams, got ordained, started a couple failed attempts at ministries, was a part of some other great ministries and churches, had 3 beautiful kids. Yet, things weren't easy. I struggled with my faith. Ministry and life wore on me. Disappointments and failures had more influence in my life than I should have let. The end result being that I brought all of my hurt and pain home (when I came home) and unleased it on the ones I loved the most, my family. 2018 my wife started talking about separation. We both just broke. We allowed satan to weave the lie in both our lives.
One night early 2018, I found myself outside praying to God a similar prayer of desperation. I prayed "God, I remember our time while I was in prison and I long for it again. Do whatever it takes to bring me back to you." I didn't think I was lost, but I knew that I wasn't found either... if that makes sense. Shortly after this the D word was dropped. My bags were packed. Our addresses were different. Our bills separated and lawyers hired. How the hell did I get here??? How did I go from the bottom to the top to the bottom again?
"God do whatever it takes". Do I wish I wouldn't have prayed that? Well the first time it resulted in my true salvation. The second time, two years later, the results still aren't in. I have lost just about everything. I am still separated from my wife. Things are hard. My faith currently is only in the fact that Jesus is Savior and Lord and saved me from my sins and an eternity in hell. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING theologically I once held tight to the cuff is currently in question. But God brings me back to this prayer... "I"... prayed. What does "whatever it takes" look like?
Not sure why this verse comes to mind. I am not completely sure I am hearing clearly from the Lord anymore. This may be on point or completely out of context. You can always comment your thoughts... if anyone ever reads this...
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." John 15:1-5
Did I not remain in Him? Was I broken of to be thrown into the fire and burned? Does this mean I have lost the faith I once had? Will I ever abide again? This verse brings more questions to me than answers now that I look at it. I thought, at the beginning of this post it would mesh well with what I wanted to write. Now, I am left wondering why this verse on my heart? Break me... yes, throw me into the fire... yes, Burn me... yes as long I "whatever it takes" brings me back to you Lord.
I pray that is with a restored marriage and family. If it's not, I will need you even more because I will face the truth that what I thought I believed might not be true at all. If that's the case... So much more is at stake. Whatever it takes LORD...
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