How Did Hosea Do It?

 "Love her as Hosea loved his wife." 

Those were the words I heard the day I was given the worst news I have every received. This news devastated me, it wrecked my whole world, and decimated my faith and everything I thought I believed. Worst part of it all, I was the instrument of my own demise. Those six words I KNOW the Lord spoke to me on December 23 2018 has been the most painful and challenging declaration the Lord has ever spoken over me. How? How can I do this? It's too painful Lord! I begged... HOW?

I have been addicted to drugs and experienced withdraw, I have been homeless at times with no where to rest my head, I have been hunted and sought by men who wanted to harm me, I have been arrested for and convicted for crimes I committed and sentenced to prison. I have been in the company of hundreds of men and felt utterly alone. I know what it is to go hungry. I know what it is to be forsaken. And yet, even through all of that, I was able to see what the Lord was doing. 

December 23rd 2018 my wife of 10 years came home and sat me down to tell me something. She told me she had been unfaithful. Now, our marriage was on the lingering edge and toppling fast, but I never expected this. I remember that my instant feeling was compassion. I felt forgiveness. I knew it was the Lord. Don't get me wrong I was crushed. But I knew a God that could do anything! Including fix this. I looked my beautiful wife in the eyes and said we would get through this... God would get us through. 

Later that night, I went out into the front yard to have it out with God. The weight of what had happened was beginning to hit me. How? Why this? I thought my marriage was "safe" and yet my wife felt our marriage was over. In the yard that night I let out on God. Why was this happening to me? Didn't I spend the last decade serving Him? I had ministries fail, friendships fail, finances fail... and now, the one thing I held in such high regard as though nothing could tough... was touched! I don't remember much of what I said to God that night. None of that probably even matters. All I do remember is those seven words "Love her as Hosea loved his wife". I didn't even know Hosea's story all that well. What did it mean?

After some research and reading I found that Hosea chose Gomer, no matter her flaws. He loved her. At some point she went back to her lovers. But what did Hosea do? How did he feel about that? What kind of emotions did he experience? I don't know because the Bible doesn't say. I can tell you what I have felt. Anger, grief, sadness, inadequacy, unwanted, hopelessness, the list could go on. Did he try and communicate with Gomer? Did he try to win her back? Did he try to convince her of his love for her? I don't know because the Bible doesn't say, but I've tried only to have my hope snatched from me. 

At some point I would imagine Hosea put up some boundaries. The Bible tells us that Gomer was left to her lovers and how she credited them for all the "assistance" they were providing her, and yet it was really the Lord providing those things trying to get her attention. Eventually He withdrew those blessings to leave her barren. She comes to the realization she must return to her husband Hosea. The Lord speaks to Hosea and he goes and buys her back! No longer does she belong to her slave masters but to her Husband. What a beautiful ending. 

Many months later and on the verge of divorce, I am standing in my kitchen (living separately from my wife) and God's word to me still had not changed. I cried out to God and said "I can't do it! I can't love her like Hosea loved Gomer! It's too painful!" Then the Lord spoke something to me... He said "I know son, your Gomer". The weight of that moment was unbelievable. It was no longer about what had been done to me, but about what I have been doing to God. The Story of Hosea wasn't just about him, but the people of God. Jesus loved (s) me even at my worst, even when I am choosing other things than him, even when I am unfaithful. 

At this moment in time 11/3/20 I have drawn some boundaries with my wife as she is still in a relationship with another man. I have told her she needs to choose. I am not sure if this is "Hosea" like or not, but I have come to the point where I know I have to choose Jesus even after he has chosen me. I have chosen my wife even through all the pain I caused her and the pain she has caused me. Gomer came to the point where she chose Hosea. I believe that when a man and a woman get married they choose each other for ever... no matter what. Things can get bad, but God can always work a miracle if both parties choose. I believe God indeed chose us and chose us before we ever chose Him... but we have to choose Him. I have to choose Love, I have to choose God, and I have to choose my wife beyond any pain or pleasure. But Hosea didn't make Gomer choose... God orchestrated circumstances to bring Gomer to the end of her pleasures and sin. God has and continues to do that with me. Will He do that with my Gomer? I pray so. My only question is... How did Hosea do it? How did he endure until God said Gomer was ready?

How Did I Get Here?

 

Have you ever asked yourself "How did I get here"? Many of us have come from such depths having God restore us and use us to do many might works for the Kingdom, then one day we find ourselves hiding in a cave consumed by fear. Have you been there? Are you there now? I am standing at the mouth of my grotto peering out to a world I once moved confidently in and now I am wondering "How did I get here?" If that is you too, than I want to share with you something God placed on my heart today as I sat in a church totally tuned out to the pastor and completely tuned into what the Lord was saying to my heart. Join me as we prepare for departure...

It all started as I lay sleeping in my bed this morning. Visions of the Lord's work in my life were playing on the reel of my dreamscape. I awoke praising Him for all of the wonderful works and opportunities I had to be such a blessing in the lives of others. You see, this was the very work that my wife used as an excuse for the destruction of our marriage. She used the ministry work as a weapon over the last few years and I had come to believe the perspective she would attack with. Yet, this morning God blessed me with His presence in such a way that I saw this work was indeed not the cause but very much so the Kingdom work He himself called me to over 2 decades ago. 

I went to church this morning with a new pep in my step as I felt relieved that the work I had done was not in vain, but that the Lord lead me in those things and He was very aware of my plight and doubt. As I sat in church the worship and the preaching just wasn't connecting (sorry Pastor! It was a great word though). God began to speak directly to my heart. He began to bring to my remembrance Elijah and Jezebel. As I am sure you may, I know the story well. I pulled out my cell phone and began to look at 1st Kings 18-19 but felt a little disrespectful to my Pastor while he was speaking and I was on my phone. I put the phone away but God kept bringing the story to mind.

Quick paraphrase... Elijah gets in a showdown with the priest of Baal to show whose God is the real deal. Of course God shows up and shows out and Baal does not. Elijah then slew all the priests. Ahab runs back and tells Jezebel and she vows to kill Elijah. What does Elijah do? After seeing the might works of God and slaying the priests... whom I am sure didn't get slain willingly... Elijah runs and hides! He ends up in a cave at Horeb. Now, this is where God began dealing with me.

I began to think to myself I wonder if Elijah asked himself "How did I get here?" What could cause a man who has seen so many might works of God to run and hide from this threat? All of a sudden I felt like I was in that cave with Elijah. How did I, having seen so many mighty works of God, end up in this grotto of my own? How did I get here God!?!?!? I felt God say to me, "Why do you fear Jezebel?" By then, the sermon was over and we were standing for an alter call. It felt like only seconds that this interaction between God and I was, but it had been almost an hour. 

I went on about my day, bumped into my Jezebel her threats, then went home feeling yet again enclosed in my cave. Once again, my Jezebel was trying to execute what God was trying infuse. I laid on my bed and pulled my actual bible (not an electronic device) into my lap and opened 1st Kings. To my surprise, God showed up again. As I read His word in chapters 18-19 I saw something I had never caught before... As I said, I knew this story well. In the cave, God speaks to Elijah in that "still small voice" and says to him "What are you doing here, Elijah?" The Lord actually said it to him twice. Both times Elijah's rebuttal is "I loved you God, I have done your work, everyone else is gone, and now I am alone!" (my paraphrase). God tells him "Go, return on your way  to the wilderness..." In that moment, in that cave, God asks Elijah..."What are you doing here?" Then puts him back on mission! 

I thought maybe God would answer my "How did I get here?". Maybe Elijah did too? But God didn't! God literally said "what are you doing here?". I, along with Elijah I believe, allowed Fear and manipulation from a perceived threat cause us to forget all that God has done... The MIGHTY power He has displayed... The ABUNDANT riches he possesses... and the AMAZING grace he shows to those who love and follow Him. In that very moment, just a couple hours ago, God... through scripture, asked me... "George, What are you doing here?"

Beloved brother or sister reading this (if anyone ever really does), If you feel that fear has pushed you into hiding, that Jezebel's threats have some sort of power over you... I want to encourage you to emerge from your cavern because YOU DO NOT BELONG THERE! Emerge to the purpose God has set before you! Fear is not of the Lord and Love casts out all fear! The Jezebels of this world have no power in their threats! You are not alone! Stand! You are not a caveman but a Christ One! Remember what God has done and remind yourself and others what He can do! Fear is a threat... God is a promise!     

Reap What We Sow

 So As I have said, my life fell apart since my last post in 2018. On Dec 23rd my marriage was rocked by some unwanted events. We tried our best to work through what happened, but the weight of it ended up being too much for me and I started drinking. The drinking brought out a bad perspective on Christianity and my Christian friends. I got to the point where I wasn't sure I wanted to be a Christian any longer. By the first of the new year I was drinking every night. My wife and I were anything but close. She went out of town for a couple weeks. When she got to her destination she called me and told me she wanted to separate. That night I made the decision to sabotage my the rest of my existence. Before I left the house a great friend of mine called and got me into treatment for substance abuse.

I share all that to come to this idea, "how did I get here?" Upon going to treatment and leading up to this very moment, I have had a lot of time to ask myself that question. For over the last decade I thought I was doing God's will for my life. How did I end up with a broken marriage, family, faith, and sobriety? This question has plagued me night and day. My wife placed a lot of blame for our marriage problems on the fact I was never home, always helping others, and if I was home "I wasn't home". She wasn't wrong. 

Looking back now, I see that I gave the best of myself to those I tried to help, while bringing the worst of myself home to my family because that is where I felt safest to be "me" and not "Pastor". The one place I was suppose to be the priest of I was the pestilence. My wife endured for a long time. She loved me at my worst until my worst became dangerous. I was suicidal and self destructive. In the community I was well liked and well respected, at home I was a tyrant or absent. 

Today, I see that I am experiencing the weight of my sin. Yes, that's right, I am reaping what I sowed. One might look at my life and think I am wrong. It's not like I was a murderer or something. But there was sin in my life just as with any other. It's funny that we forget how the Bible defines sin...

"But the one who doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith: and everything that does not come from faith is sin" ~ Romans 14:23 NIV

Now Paul is addressing Jewish culture and eating things that are consider unclean. But his statement "Everything that does not come from faith is sin". So what is my "everything? What is yours? We can do lots of great things but doing them from any source other than God's leading is sin. There was plenty of that in my household. I was a priest of many things by faith, but my home was not one of them.

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." Gal 6:7-8

During what I thought were the "good years" I was fooling many people, but I wasn't fooling God. He CANNOT be mocked! I am not curtain what I was doing to please the flesh and what I was doing to please the Spirit, but I am curtain I was pleasing the flesh because I was reaping destruction. You can read the my previous posts and see my depression. Somewhere... somehow... I was doing things not from faith, but from flesh and destruction was building. 

Then came the eruption, 2018. At the time I would have argued it anyone's fault but my own. Sure I might have claimed some responsibility, but God had some serious work to do in me to bring me were I am now. Where am I? I am on the harvest field seeing the reaping of the seeds I sown into the field of family. My wife and I went right up to the last day before court before we called off the divorce. There were tumultuous arguments and maneuvers to try and get the upper hand on each other. Our children suffered and are suffering. My faith was almost non existent at times or if it was, it was an anger at God like I have never known. So much mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual destruction. And it was all the harvested crop of seeds planted by flesh.   

"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." ~Romans 6:23

Let's just put this out on front street... We are eternal beings... saved or unsaved. Saved = Eternity with God... Unsaved = Eternity without Him. Having said that, lets look at this verse in the light of eternity now. The wages of sin is death. Saved or unsaved. But what is death? Just physical? If we read this chapter we see that it talks of slavery to sin. I'm just gonna keep going, because this could be an entire blog itself! The wages of sin is death. For me, I began to reap death mentally, emotionally, physically, and ultimately spiritually. Mentally with depression. Emotionally as each God given emotion slipped my grasp and only anger was left. Physically as I jeopardized my sobriety. And spiritually, not that I lost my salvation, but that I lost who I was... who God created me to be and started behaving and believing like someone I was not. 

I have come to this conclusion. Where I am today, Separated from the woman God gave me, broken in my faith, and unsure of my relative future I know and take responsibility that this is due solely to the fact that I am reaping what I have sown: A life where I didn't put God at the CENTER of all things in my life. The great part of this all is... I cannot stay in the company of the task master of sin for very long. Now that God has/is opening my eyes I know what must be done. I must get back to the CENTER and from there I may start to plant in a new field and plant by faith so that I might let this current crop burn and focus on God's provision for the future. Maybe sometimes we need a rotten harvest in order to know and expect better. Time to till the field and start over. Start fresh. 
 

Do Whatever It Takes

 Wow... my last post from 2018... and my life fell apart! Good news? Turns out I'm not a narcissist! Narcissist have no remorse, and as I might share in coming posts... I am filled with remorse over what has happened to me, to my family, to my faith, and to my life. But I guess if I am going to start writing again, I will have to go back to the prayer that started it all... 

There is this prayer that I have only prayed a couple of times, but each time I prayed it... God has totally wrecked my life. The first version of it was "God, do what ever it takes to bring me to you." I was about 21 or 22 years old. I was engaged to a beautiful young lady and what she was doing with me I have no idea! I was a drug addict and alcoholic that had career plans of being a criminal. We had been engaged for about 2 years and our relationship was at its end. I laid in bed next to her and prayed "God, do what ever it takes to bring me to you." A few short weeks this young lady finally had enough and left me and I was later arrested for crimes I committed and on my way to prison. This is where I surrendered to Christ. My life was wrecked, but in the end I gained so much more than I lost! Especially since when I got out of prison I only had a single box of belongings to my name. 

So many good (and bad) things happened in the years to come. Some are contained in this blog. Ultimately, I served the Lord, Found a beautiful wife that far surpassed my dreams, got ordained, started a couple failed attempts at ministries, was a part of some other great ministries and churches, had 3 beautiful kids. Yet, things weren't easy. I struggled with my faith. Ministry and life wore on me. Disappointments and failures had more influence in my life than I should have let. The end result being that I brought all of my hurt and pain home (when I came home) and unleased it on the ones I loved the most, my family. 2018 my wife started talking about separation. We both just broke. We allowed satan to weave the lie in both our lives. 

One night early 2018, I found myself outside praying to God a similar prayer of desperation. I prayed "God, I remember our time while I was in prison and I long for it again. Do whatever it takes to bring me back to you." I didn't think I was lost, but I knew that I wasn't found either... if that makes sense. Shortly after this the D word was dropped. My bags were packed. Our addresses were different. Our bills separated and lawyers hired. How the hell did I get here??? How did I go from the bottom to the top to the bottom again? 

"God do whatever it takes". Do I wish I wouldn't have prayed that? Well the first time it resulted in my true salvation. The second time, two years later, the results still aren't in. I have lost just about everything. I am still separated from my wife. Things are hard. My faith currently is only in the fact that Jesus is Savior and Lord and saved me from my sins and an eternity in hell. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING theologically I once held tight to the cuff is currently in question. But God brings me back to this prayer... "I"... prayed. What does "whatever it takes" look like?

Not sure why this verse comes to mind. I  am not completely sure I am hearing clearly from the Lord anymore. This may be on point or completely out of context. You can always comment your thoughts... if anyone ever reads this...

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." John 15:1-5

Did I not remain in Him? Was I broken of to be thrown into the fire and burned? Does this mean I have lost the faith I once had? Will I ever abide again? This verse brings more questions to me than answers now that I look at it. I thought, at the beginning of this post it would mesh well with what I wanted to write. Now, I am left wondering why this verse on my heart? Break me... yes, throw me into the fire... yes, Burn me... yes as long I "whatever it takes" brings me back to you Lord.

I pray that is with a restored marriage and family. If it's not, I will need you even more because I will face the truth that what I thought I believed might not be true at all. If that's the case... So much more is at stake. Whatever it takes LORD... 

The Narcissist in Me

My life has completely crumbled right before my very eyes. Over the last several weeks I have never been so close to drinking my self into oblivion. The attack always seems to start at home, with those you love the most, with those you are closest to. A couple of weeks ago, my wife told me she wanted a separation. She Google diagnosed me as a narcissist with several very telling links. My wife who has her Bachelor's in Psychology. It didn't piss me off that she was wrong, it pissed me off that she was right! So I told a dear friend of mine about this and he gave me some solid advice; "Look at the man in the mirror."

Some People Just Can't Understand

People ask me all the time "how are you doing" or "tell me what's wrong". They just don't get that I can't because it's as complicated to explain as the picture to the left. Depression and the "whys" of it aren't a simple matter for those that are seriously clinically depressed. There are so many contributing factors large and small that, at times, I don't even know where to begin when someone asks me what's wrong. So how do I let someone in my head?

Fairweather & StormChasers

You can learn a lot from the coming of a storm. Living where I do I watch them on the horizon all the time, it's kind of beautiful... until they hit. The storms of life have taught me a lot too. Mostly they have taught me the difference between fairweather friends and stormchaser friends. Funny thing is you can never really tell which is which until the storm is upon you and really causing havoc. For a pastor, I found I had a lot of fairweather friends. But there was a surprise in the midst of my storm.

The Fatal Decision

I ever wonder if anyone that I talk to or minister to or try to help ever think about what might be going through my mind at any given moment. Of course not, but by those who know me best I am called the selfish, self-centered, and egotistical one. I really just wish I could get my brain to shut up for five fricking minutes. The only time my brain is quiet is when I play video games. The rest of the day it is a constant battle between the lies and the truth and the battle is wearing thin. But, good old pastor, good old dad, a good old husband has to but on his smiley face and act like he is loving the world. Nobody understands.

Even on my Darkest Day

Recently I have heard it said that the light at the end of the tunnel is simply a train coming your way. For a while, I could really relate to that, or at least that was the way I felt. Like, here it comes to finally end me. How can a pastor feel so hopeless at times? Aren't we suppose to be the champions of hope! Some just don't understand how dark it can get in a pastor's life and that's because most pastors are too afraid to admit it for fear of looking unspiritual. Afterall, I don't sign these blogs now, do I? If only the world knew who I was how things might change in my life, how they might look at me differently. It gets dark sometimes.

Being a Nobody

What's wrong with wanting to be a well know, and well liked for that matter, pastor? Doesn't every pastor want a full parking lot, few to no empty chairs, and faithful givers? Doesn't every pastor want people whom he guides to want to go out into the depths of the darkness and get their hands messy in ministry?

I think about Jesus and his three compadres Peter, James, and John. Man to be Jesus' right-hand man must have been something. But even these three fought over who was going to be the greatest. I ever wonder if anyone following Jesus just wanted to be a little bit closer, known a little bit more, may be called by name even. I feel like this sometimes, yes beyond all my theological correctness. I know that I have the very same Jesus everyone else does, but sometimes... most of the time... okay all of the time I desire to be Peter, James, or John. I am beginning to come to a hard truth that maybe, just maybe... I'm not.

Then all of my theological correctness goes out the window and I am stuck wondering just who in the heck am I then... in the grand scheme of things? Does what I do matter? Do miracles really happen? Am I even following Jesus? And I ask that honestly. I believe that I am and have been for some time but why do things look so different for others than they do for me?

So today I am sitting in a VBS music recital and the kids are singing about the feeding of the 5000. Honestly, I am halfway tuned out with all that's going on in my head. But I kept hearing "But I'm a nobody", "But I'm a nobody" about six times before one of the kids says "And that's exactly who God uses!" Now mind you, I have no context about what they are talking about but I know what I heard. And I wish I could tell you it was like a shout from heaven, but it was a still small voice in my heart that asked me "Are you willing to be a nobody, George?"

Andrew is mentioned one time in the New Testament other than the roll call of disciples. What was the thing Andrew goes down in history for? Bringing Peter to Jesus! That's all we ever hear of what Andrew ever did, though I am sure he did many great things for the Kingdom. But I bet if you ask even some of the best "scholars" around to name off the disciples, Andrew isn't going to make the top five. But what he did changed lives!

Right now, I don't know if I'm okay with being a nobody, a background guy. I mean, don't get me wrong... I don't want my name in lights or anything, I want to lift Jesus up... I just want the stage to do so. Maybe I don't get it because I will make it about me and Jesus knows that? Either way, I better get to answering His question on if I'm okay being a Nobody of Jesus.

The Perfect Pastor

He prays longer and better than any other pastor in the circle, not to mention he remembers every prayer request! He shows up at every hospital visitation! He remembers your birthday from the stage on Sunday mornings! He tackles the tough topics of sin in your life because he has overcome them and has no "big" sin in his life. When you call he answers... no voicemail because he is never too busy for you! This is your pastor and he is to be held in high regard for his perfect standard of living because he "lives the word of God".

Problem is, pastors... even this good, are a rarity and their longevity is growing shorter by the year. The average pastor, I believe the last stat I saw, leaves the pulpit within 5 to 8 years. I have been in ministry for over ten and have left two positions. I think it's time to take the capes off.

Why can't pastors be real people too? Yes, we are leaders of others, but just because we are leaders doesn't mean that we aren't people; that we don't have emotions and feelings, that we don't hurt or sin like the rest of the human race. We can take a look a the life of King David, who was a man after God's own heart, and he was by far a perfect man. But what made him a man after God's own heart and such a great leader and shepherd of God's people? What made him a pastor? It wasn't perfection that's for sure. It was pursuit! A constant pursuit of God. When his sin was revealed he repented and has anyone ever noticed he wasn't dethroned? He paid a heavy conscience for his sin but it didn't make him less of who he was.

We like to gather our pitchforks and our torches today when we find out that a pastor has failed in some area of his life. No wonder pastors are so guarded about being transparent about their lives. If I were to guess I would say any given pastor probably only has about five real friends. Those are friends they can tell anything to and not receive any judgment in return. If they are willing to admit it, it is a lonely life to be a pastor. But most get all spiritual and play the "I have God and that's all I need" card. I truly hope that is working for them. But I believe God called us to live in a community, true and authentic.

I have since refused to put the cape on because every time I do I am the one that gets hurt or burned out. I am just a weakened pastor with many sins and flaws that God's grace continues to cover. Why He uses me is beyond my ability to understand but I am grateful for it. I am a shepherd and I stink like the sheep! I even have sheep $*#+ on my shoes. I just don't see doing pastoral ministry any other way. Though I would love an Osteen smile and a Creflo suit I am just not that manicured of a sheepherder. I'm a mess because I want to be amongst my sheep simply being me... a pastor with his own set of flaws and sins that is willing to lead the flock to the One who is the Forgiver of all... JESUS CHRIST!

Maybe this is more of what I want to look like...

Forest Through the Trees

Some days it gets better. Some days I remember, or shall I say I am reminded, of why I do what I do. Today is a faith day. Today is a day that I am on the other end of my spectrum and am able to see more clearly than normal why I am where I am and the purpose for some of the courses my life has taken. And they all have to do with Jesus and me.

I had lunch with a very dear friend and mentor of mine yesterday. It had been quite some time since we sat down and caught up on the things of life and faith. He shared his struggles with me and I shared mine with him. The best part was we were able to encourage each other as brothers in Christ. This man has spent years speaking into my life and his wisdom sticks with me to this day. He always points me to Jesus.

Even after that I was still feeling a bit sorry for myself when I got a phone call from an old friend I hadn't heard from in quite some time. He told me he felt lead to call and share with me that my social media posts and videos were really helping him and he wanted to thank me. This was really encouraging because I was wondering if I was truly reaching anyone.

That was 10 mins before I went into a meeting and gave one of the hardest talks I have ever had to give in my entire life. I was told upon becoming a pastor that there were three kinds of talks you would give 1) The talk you have gone through 2) The talk you will go through 3) The talk you are currently going through. This night was option 3. And the response was phenomenal.

Sometimes I just can't see the forest through the trees. I get so focused on all the distractions around me that my eyes get taken off the beauty of Christ himself. I couldn't have or do any of this without Him. He is the source and I am the vessel. My biggest failure is simply His signal that I am doing things on my own again. 

What I Wanted to be When I Grew Up

Growing up I had many dreams such as many little boys do; to be a police officer, a fireman, a soldier, the President of the United States etc. But if you ever saw the 80s tv show Airwolf then you will understand the dream that stuck with me for decades. Now Airwolf was a for t.v. helicopter. The real fighting machine was and still is the Apache. I fell madly in love with the Apache helicopter and wanted to become an Apache helicopter pilot. Sadly my dreams were to never become reality as my dreams of flying high took an entirely different meaning, but that's a story for a different blog.

The one thing I didn't want to be growing up was a pastor! As a matter of fact, I didn't step foot in the door of a church unless a girl I liked invited me and even then all I concentrated on was trying to get her attention. No, a pastor was not in my cards. As a matter of fact, I could only hold a job for about 6 months on the average. I think my longest run was in a restaurant kitchen for two years. I can't count how many jobs I quit on the first day or the first payday. If I could sum up my two greatest skills they would be committing crimes (and I wasn't that great) and cooking (which I'm not too bad at). But it was the life of crime that I chose and the prison system where I ended up.

Funny enough, that is where I believed God was calling me to become a preacher/pastor. With enthusiasm, I wrote to my then hometown pastor who very quickly discouraged me from such an endeavor. Well, that pissed me off just enough to pursue it with all I had! And so I did. Getting out of prison I became a pastor and worked with the homeless, teenagers, people in recovery, married couples, I was on staff at a church and even started a little church of my own. Sounds great, doesn't it?

After almost ten years in ministry, there are days I really wish I would have been in an Apache helicopter blowing stuff up. There are some days where it really seems like going back to committing crimes would get the bills paid on time. There are days when it seems like going and clocking in at a restaurant kitchen and working my 8 hours would be less stressful and exhausting. I never wanted to be a pastor. God called me and honestly at the time, it sounded really neat and special. But maybe now I am beginning to understand why that pastor tried to persuade me not to. Maybe it wasn't because he didn't love me... maybe it was because he did.

Confession: I am a Depressed Pastor

I'm a pastor and I battle depression... the worst kind of depression. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. What's the point? We are supposed to be in the profession of helping people and it seems like there is a never-ending line of need. And that's not even the worst part, at least in my area us pastors can put on a good face of 'cooperation" but we really work in competition with one another trying to have the bigger and better programs then the church down the street.
I have been in ministry for over ten years now and I have had some really great and life changing experiences;  things I will never forget. I have also experienced some of the most painful hurt imaginable by the church. Superficial relationships, favoritism, criticism, judgmentalism, and the worst of all and the only way I can explain it is The spirit of Jezebel, or the subtle yet hostile takeover of a church.
Reflecting back, here is what made these times really hard; lack of support. We talk a lot in Christianity about being there for one another... but let's be honest, the majority of churches are word not deed. I was a pastor on staff with three other pastors and we should have been bound together so tightly that the demons in hell had no chance, but we weren't. Some were chasing dreams of grandeur, others were too self-important, one was too new, and then there was me the lost and lonely sheep needing his shepherd. Our nucleus fell apart.
Since then I have tried to stay on my "spiritual feet" sotosay. It has not been an easy journey. I have questioned everything about my calling and even my faith. I just don't understand God sometimes... okay, most of the time! Things felt so right back then. There was purpose.
 Today I am faced with uncertainty. I have an unstable job that could end very soon. I may have to begin raising my own funds, which has failed for me in the past. And people keep saying all the cliche things that I would tell others; "God has a plan"  "If God led you to it He will see you through it", "He is your provider". And I want to believe those things.... I do. I just don't know if I can.

Lastly, and the scariest part of all, if this last endeavor doesn't work out I feel like I am going to give up on ministry altogether. I don't know what that means for me and God right now, but for me and helping others... I will be officially done. I will be done with Church. I will be done with the whole facade that is Christianity. I am a depressed Pastor.   

I always think it's them. I always find

The Unknown Variable

"Ministry? Where do I sign up? Think about the excitement! Think about all of the wonderful things we will see and experience! What joys are ahead of us! I can't wait!"

I don't know know about any of you, but I thought like that. I was excited to join the gospel ministry team! I was young and enthusiastic. I remember thinking how I was going to change the world around me! That is until I found out about the unknown variable...


I guess I was kind of simplistic in my ideology;

I was lost and hopelessly in need of saving 

+ 

A Savior seeking to restore lives

+

An open heart 

_____________________________

Changed Life 

My first crack at real ministry was in a homeless shelter. I came smack dab face to face with the unknown variable. The first couple of years didn't weigh that heavy on me. Soon though, the heavy weight sunk deep. How come no one told me? Did they tell you? How come no one prepared me? Did they prepare you? The unknown variable...

Heartbreak

Soon I found out that having to be privy to the choices of others would not be what I signed up for, but what I would have to learn to endure as a pastor and a friend. 

Living in the Shadow of Someone Greater

Recently one of my childhood icons passed away. James Brian Hellwig, AKA The Ultimate Warrior died April 8th 2014. Memories of the Warrior are vivid growing up with the WWF. Yet there was another competitor that shined above all others, one who would become the largest household name for wrestling... Hulk Hogan! The Warrior, though great (and my personal favorite) would live in the shadows of Hulk-A-Mania. I have a Hulk in my life... how about you?

Warranted or Waived?

Failure confuses me! When I fail I have this huge shot to my insecurity and I begin to wonder what has caused my epic blunder. I question myself, I question others, I question timing, and I even question God. Then there is always that "one person", you know... the one that always says the super spiritual thing like "It just wasn't meant to be or God would have allowed it... He must have something better for you." In the moment, I want to punch that person in the face. Yup, I just typed that. My question today is this: "Is my (and yours) failure warranted or waived"?

Some Days I'm Just Done!

Exhausted, fatigued, frustrated... some days I'm just done! Is there any other minister or christian out there that ever feels like this? It seems the harder one works, the more one pours themselves out the more emptiness and that seems to ensue.

Why the struggle? What is the determined end? How can one expect to continue on? Can someone really resign from ministry? From community? From the faith? Is it any wonder why so many pastors leave the pastorate? I can't be alone here.....

When Giving All You Have Doesn't Seem To Be Enough

I guess it makes me feel alone. It makes me feel as if no matter what I do there is always a better way of doing it. All of my original ideas that I can get excited about get the steam taken right out from under them as improvements are "suggested" or ideas are offered for "consideration".
Is it just me? Am I only competing against my own assumptions? Or is there an underlying message hidden just beneath the tone of the conversations? What does one do when you are giving all you have, but it never seems to be good enough?