Why the struggle? What is the determined end? How can one expect to continue on? Can someone really resign from ministry? From community? From the faith? Is it any wonder why so many pastors leave the pastorate? I can't be alone here.....
Maybe It's Me
Maybe I'm trying to get to much out of what I do? Maybe my need for security and significance are drawling from the wrong well? I have heard it all before. "Conflict & frustration are signs that you are trying to meet your needs by the flesh." Though I agree, I don't see how, in ministry, you don't meet with conflict and frustration. So is someone in ministry always trying to meet their needs by the flesh? This ole' pastor could be in trouble then. Have I not done an adequate job? Do I not try hard enough? Am I responsible for the disconnect in those I Shepard? These are constant questions in my mind and heart and they hurt. Sometimes I feel like I am juggling flaming poison tipped swords! Is that what ministry is supposed to feel like? Ugh! I'm Done!
Maybe It's Them
Sheep Bite! I mean that in all of it's senses. I saw a comment on a social media post that said "Lord, save me from Your followers" and at first I thought it was ridiculous... now I'm not so sure. Some people you pour so much into with what seems like no engagement what so ever. Sometimes I wonder if people you are trying to reach even understand the heart, soul, and sweat a pastor or fellow believer has put into what they are presenting. WE POUR OUR HEARTS OUT because we love them and yet everything from cell phone glares on faces to all out onslaughts because someone gets offended is what we get in return. The Sheep bite and it's always the Shepard that gets bit. Ugh! I'm Done!
Maybe It's God
"God is trying to teach you, grow you, or shape you." I have had all of my mentors say something similar. Does God get a kick out of my mental, emotional, and relational pain? Does my failure entertain Him? I would like to think not... but I've been known to be wrong about Him! If God is trying to get something across to me, maybe it's that I shouldn't be a pastor? Maybe He didn't call me and I just fancy He did. It's possible. Ugh! I'm Done!
Maybe It Doesn't Matter
Yes, maybe it doesn't matter. I've been here before and so have you... Somewhere Between Faith and Failure. It doesn't matter if it's me because God is who God is! I cannot get in the way of what God is doing, at best I will be moved to the bench (feels like I'm there now though). It doesn't matter if it's them because God is who God is! If I am called of God (and I do believe I am) than I can only give what I can give. The response of others is completely up to them (it just hurts to watch sometimes). And It doesn't matter if it's God because God is who God is! That has to be good enough for me no matter what, pastor or gas station clerk.
I am thankful you have made it this far in my rant. Sometimes ministry can seem so trying. I'm not even sure at times that anyone even reads this blog because most of the commenters are spammers. Ugh! I'm Done! LOL!
I say I'm done as I am sure you have also and that's because of the perceived failures, BUT GOD IS NOT DONE! God has begun a good work in you and in me and He will complete it! It's just, some days I'm just done! Thanks for listening to this old tired pastor.
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