Even on my Darkest Day

Recently I have heard it said that the light at the end of the tunnel is simply a train coming your way. For a while, I could really relate to that, or at least that was the way I felt. Like, here it comes to finally end me. How can a pastor feel so hopeless at times? Aren't we suppose to be the champions of hope! Some just don't understand how dark it can get in a pastor's life and that's because most pastors are too afraid to admit it for fear of looking unspiritual. Afterall, I don't sign these blogs now, do I? If only the world knew who I was how things might change in my life, how they might look at me differently. It gets dark sometimes.
I have expressed my struggle with depression many times. It just creeps up on me sometimes for no reason at all. I'm happy one minute and the next complete darkness. They have tried to tell me I am bipolar, maybe I am? I can't really point to many manic episodes though... just times when I think things are going to get better, the cloud is going to clear and then boom... darkness again. People ask what is wrong, but if I tried to explain it they wouldn't believe me or they would give me some religious answer I would probably or have probably given to them. My loved ones don't get it. The worst part is... I don't get it. Like seriously, five minutes ago I was on top of the world and now the world sits on top of my chest and I can hardly breathe. But there is always the Light at the end of the tunnel for me and it has ceased to be a train thus far...

"Behold, O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is too high, I cannot attain to it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, you are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say 'Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night', Even the darkness is not dark to You." ~Psalm 139:4-12

I might see darkness all around me. My world may feel like it is crashing in on top of me. I may feel depressed. But for God, there is no darkness! It does not exist! For Him, my darkness is just as bright as His plans for me. I get so consumed with not being able to see that I forget the One who sees it all because there is no shadow in or around Him for He is Light! Thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I can fear no evil BECAUSE YOU ARE WITH ME!

This started as a "failure" blog... but I think God just turned it around on me in the midst of writing it. I seriously felt the need to stop what I was doing and write this blog and I think you are witness to God using it to encourage me right in front of you! I hope He has done the same for you.