The Fatal Decision

I ever wonder if anyone that I talk to or minister to or try to help ever think about what might be going through my mind at any given moment. Of course not, but by those who know me best I am called the selfish, self-centered, and egotistical one. I really just wish I could get my brain to shut up for five fricking minutes. The only time my brain is quiet is when I play video games. The rest of the day it is a constant battle between the lies and the truth and the battle is wearing thin. But, good old pastor, good old dad, a good old husband has to but on his smiley face and act like he is loving the world. Nobody understands.

A long, long time ago I put an unloaded gun to my head, walked out of my room into the living room where my family was trying to do an intervention on me. I told them if they did not stop I would give them all nightmares they would remember for the rest of their lives. That was me at the epitome of selfish, self-centered, and egotistical. I was drug addicted and didn't care about anyone else. I walked back into the room and seriously contemplated loading the gun and pulling the trigger. But something stopped me that day. Another blog for another day.

Being the addict I was I came up with the brilliant idea that I would just use and use until I didn't wake up one day. So whatever anyone had I took it. I began trying drugs I said I would never do, doing them in ways I said I would never do them in. But, somehow, each time my body would give out and I would pass out, I would wake up having not overdosed. I just didn't want to live any longer... there was no point.

Today, decades later, clean, sober, and saved! Praise God! I have all the reason to live in the world. I have a beautiful wife, 3 wonderful children, I am doing work I love and by all standards of things I should be happy, but I'm not... and I don't know why... and that kills me inside.

I have had the super Pentecostals demonize it and try and pray it away. I have had the Baptists tell me I'm not reading enough of the word or praying. I have had Evangelicals tell me I'm not doing enough outreach or missions work. Seriously... I just want Benny Hin to hit me with his jacket!

So I take medication. But do I want to take medication? Does that make me "less spiritual"? I mean is there something wrong with me that I think on some days that life would be better if I just wasn't here? I feel so alone as a pastor in all this. I started this blog hoping to connect with other pastors who felt the same way... But I seriously think I have had two comments in the life of this blog. Does anyone ever read this?  Maybe it's better they didn't.

Not that I would ever take my own life, Not that I haven't thought about it, I just feel alone surrounded by a sea of people with plastic smiles.