Reap What We Sow

 So As I have said, my life fell apart since my last post in 2018. On Dec 23rd my marriage was rocked by some unwanted events. We tried our best to work through what happened, but the weight of it ended up being too much for me and I started drinking. The drinking brought out a bad perspective on Christianity and my Christian friends. I got to the point where I wasn't sure I wanted to be a Christian any longer. By the first of the new year I was drinking every night. My wife and I were anything but close. She went out of town for a couple weeks. When she got to her destination she called me and told me she wanted to separate. That night I made the decision to sabotage my the rest of my existence. Before I left the house a great friend of mine called and got me into treatment for substance abuse.

I share all that to come to this idea, "how did I get here?" Upon going to treatment and leading up to this very moment, I have had a lot of time to ask myself that question. For over the last decade I thought I was doing God's will for my life. How did I end up with a broken marriage, family, faith, and sobriety? This question has plagued me night and day. My wife placed a lot of blame for our marriage problems on the fact I was never home, always helping others, and if I was home "I wasn't home". She wasn't wrong. 

Looking back now, I see that I gave the best of myself to those I tried to help, while bringing the worst of myself home to my family because that is where I felt safest to be "me" and not "Pastor". The one place I was suppose to be the priest of I was the pestilence. My wife endured for a long time. She loved me at my worst until my worst became dangerous. I was suicidal and self destructive. In the community I was well liked and well respected, at home I was a tyrant or absent. 

Today, I see that I am experiencing the weight of my sin. Yes, that's right, I am reaping what I sowed. One might look at my life and think I am wrong. It's not like I was a murderer or something. But there was sin in my life just as with any other. It's funny that we forget how the Bible defines sin...

"But the one who doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith: and everything that does not come from faith is sin" ~ Romans 14:23 NIV

Now Paul is addressing Jewish culture and eating things that are consider unclean. But his statement "Everything that does not come from faith is sin". So what is my "everything? What is yours? We can do lots of great things but doing them from any source other than God's leading is sin. There was plenty of that in my household. I was a priest of many things by faith, but my home was not one of them.

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." Gal 6:7-8

During what I thought were the "good years" I was fooling many people, but I wasn't fooling God. He CANNOT be mocked! I am not curtain what I was doing to please the flesh and what I was doing to please the Spirit, but I am curtain I was pleasing the flesh because I was reaping destruction. You can read the my previous posts and see my depression. Somewhere... somehow... I was doing things not from faith, but from flesh and destruction was building. 

Then came the eruption, 2018. At the time I would have argued it anyone's fault but my own. Sure I might have claimed some responsibility, but God had some serious work to do in me to bring me were I am now. Where am I? I am on the harvest field seeing the reaping of the seeds I sown into the field of family. My wife and I went right up to the last day before court before we called off the divorce. There were tumultuous arguments and maneuvers to try and get the upper hand on each other. Our children suffered and are suffering. My faith was almost non existent at times or if it was, it was an anger at God like I have never known. So much mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual destruction. And it was all the harvested crop of seeds planted by flesh.   

"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." ~Romans 6:23

Let's just put this out on front street... We are eternal beings... saved or unsaved. Saved = Eternity with God... Unsaved = Eternity without Him. Having said that, lets look at this verse in the light of eternity now. The wages of sin is death. Saved or unsaved. But what is death? Just physical? If we read this chapter we see that it talks of slavery to sin. I'm just gonna keep going, because this could be an entire blog itself! The wages of sin is death. For me, I began to reap death mentally, emotionally, physically, and ultimately spiritually. Mentally with depression. Emotionally as each God given emotion slipped my grasp and only anger was left. Physically as I jeopardized my sobriety. And spiritually, not that I lost my salvation, but that I lost who I was... who God created me to be and started behaving and believing like someone I was not. 

I have come to this conclusion. Where I am today, Separated from the woman God gave me, broken in my faith, and unsure of my relative future I know and take responsibility that this is due solely to the fact that I am reaping what I have sown: A life where I didn't put God at the CENTER of all things in my life. The great part of this all is... I cannot stay in the company of the task master of sin for very long. Now that God has/is opening my eyes I know what must be done. I must get back to the CENTER and from there I may start to plant in a new field and plant by faith so that I might let this current crop burn and focus on God's provision for the future. Maybe sometimes we need a rotten harvest in order to know and expect better. Time to till the field and start over. Start fresh. 
 

Do Whatever It Takes

 Wow... my last post from 2018... and my life fell apart! Good news? Turns out I'm not a narcissist! Narcissist have no remorse, and as I might share in coming posts... I am filled with remorse over what has happened to me, to my family, to my faith, and to my life. But I guess if I am going to start writing again, I will have to go back to the prayer that started it all... 

There is this prayer that I have only prayed a couple of times, but each time I prayed it... God has totally wrecked my life. The first version of it was "God, do what ever it takes to bring me to you." I was about 21 or 22 years old. I was engaged to a beautiful young lady and what she was doing with me I have no idea! I was a drug addict and alcoholic that had career plans of being a criminal. We had been engaged for about 2 years and our relationship was at its end. I laid in bed next to her and prayed "God, do what ever it takes to bring me to you." A few short weeks this young lady finally had enough and left me and I was later arrested for crimes I committed and on my way to prison. This is where I surrendered to Christ. My life was wrecked, but in the end I gained so much more than I lost! Especially since when I got out of prison I only had a single box of belongings to my name. 

So many good (and bad) things happened in the years to come. Some are contained in this blog. Ultimately, I served the Lord, Found a beautiful wife that far surpassed my dreams, got ordained, started a couple failed attempts at ministries, was a part of some other great ministries and churches, had 3 beautiful kids. Yet, things weren't easy. I struggled with my faith. Ministry and life wore on me. Disappointments and failures had more influence in my life than I should have let. The end result being that I brought all of my hurt and pain home (when I came home) and unleased it on the ones I loved the most, my family. 2018 my wife started talking about separation. We both just broke. We allowed satan to weave the lie in both our lives. 

One night early 2018, I found myself outside praying to God a similar prayer of desperation. I prayed "God, I remember our time while I was in prison and I long for it again. Do whatever it takes to bring me back to you." I didn't think I was lost, but I knew that I wasn't found either... if that makes sense. Shortly after this the D word was dropped. My bags were packed. Our addresses were different. Our bills separated and lawyers hired. How the hell did I get here??? How did I go from the bottom to the top to the bottom again? 

"God do whatever it takes". Do I wish I wouldn't have prayed that? Well the first time it resulted in my true salvation. The second time, two years later, the results still aren't in. I have lost just about everything. I am still separated from my wife. Things are hard. My faith currently is only in the fact that Jesus is Savior and Lord and saved me from my sins and an eternity in hell. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING theologically I once held tight to the cuff is currently in question. But God brings me back to this prayer... "I"... prayed. What does "whatever it takes" look like?

Not sure why this verse comes to mind. I  am not completely sure I am hearing clearly from the Lord anymore. This may be on point or completely out of context. You can always comment your thoughts... if anyone ever reads this...

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." John 15:1-5

Did I not remain in Him? Was I broken of to be thrown into the fire and burned? Does this mean I have lost the faith I once had? Will I ever abide again? This verse brings more questions to me than answers now that I look at it. I thought, at the beginning of this post it would mesh well with what I wanted to write. Now, I am left wondering why this verse on my heart? Break me... yes, throw me into the fire... yes, Burn me... yes as long I "whatever it takes" brings me back to you Lord.

I pray that is with a restored marriage and family. If it's not, I will need you even more because I will face the truth that what I thought I believed might not be true at all. If that's the case... So much more is at stake. Whatever it takes LORD...