The Unknown Variable

"Ministry? Where do I sign up? Think about the excitement! Think about all of the wonderful things we will see and experience! What joys are ahead of us! I can't wait!"

I don't know know about any of you, but I thought like that. I was excited to join the gospel ministry team! I was young and enthusiastic. I remember thinking how I was going to change the world around me! That is until I found out about the unknown variable...


I guess I was kind of simplistic in my ideology;

I was lost and hopelessly in need of saving 

+ 

A Savior seeking to restore lives

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An open heart 

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Changed Life 

My first crack at real ministry was in a homeless shelter. I came smack dab face to face with the unknown variable. The first couple of years didn't weigh that heavy on me. Soon though, the heavy weight sunk deep. How come no one told me? Did they tell you? How come no one prepared me? Did they prepare you? The unknown variable...

Heartbreak

Soon I found out that having to be privy to the choices of others would not be what I signed up for, but what I would have to learn to endure as a pastor and a friend. 

Living in the Shadow of Someone Greater

Recently one of my childhood icons passed away. James Brian Hellwig, AKA The Ultimate Warrior died April 8th 2014. Memories of the Warrior are vivid growing up with the WWF. Yet there was another competitor that shined above all others, one who would become the largest household name for wrestling... Hulk Hogan! The Warrior, though great (and my personal favorite) would live in the shadows of Hulk-A-Mania. I have a Hulk in my life... how about you?

Warranted or Waived?

Failure confuses me! When I fail I have this huge shot to my insecurity and I begin to wonder what has caused my epic blunder. I question myself, I question others, I question timing, and I even question God. Then there is always that "one person", you know... the one that always says the super spiritual thing like "It just wasn't meant to be or God would have allowed it... He must have something better for you." In the moment, I want to punch that person in the face. Yup, I just typed that. My question today is this: "Is my (and yours) failure warranted or waived"?

Some Days I'm Just Done!

Exhausted, fatigued, frustrated... some days I'm just done! Is there any other minister or christian out there that ever feels like this? It seems the harder one works, the more one pours themselves out the more emptiness and that seems to ensue.

Why the struggle? What is the determined end? How can one expect to continue on? Can someone really resign from ministry? From community? From the faith? Is it any wonder why so many pastors leave the pastorate? I can't be alone here.....

When Giving All You Have Doesn't Seem To Be Enough

I guess it makes me feel alone. It makes me feel as if no matter what I do there is always a better way of doing it. All of my original ideas that I can get excited about get the steam taken right out from under them as improvements are "suggested" or ideas are offered for "consideration".
Is it just me? Am I only competing against my own assumptions? Or is there an underlying message hidden just beneath the tone of the conversations? What does one do when you are giving all you have, but it never seems to be good enough?

When It's Hard To Believe

I guess I feel ashamed. I feel disappointed. I feel empty, alone, and foolish. I wonder how many of you other pastors, ministers, or whoever experience the same thing. You know... That truth you say you believe but really don't. Am I alone in this? I mean, it's not like I don't want to believe, trust me I do! It's quite the opposite in fact, I want to believe so badly, but I don't. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with you? Why can't we be like that guy... you know the one... "I believe Jesus for anything and everything..." Is he serious? Don't misunderstand me, I love Christ. I can share His wonderful truths from the pulpit, in counseling, in conversation but when it comes to my own difficulties WHAT DO I DO WHEN IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE?

Throwing in the Towel

"Enough is enough! I quit! Time to throw in the towel because I am beat, battered and done! I can't take another blow!"

These thoughts and many like them have been racing through my mind today. I've had thoughts about drinking, drugs, and suicide. I am exhausted from the fight, I am swollen beyond being able to properly see and I just want to lay down. Why can't I quit? Why can't I just give in? Do I not have anyone in my corner willing to throw in the towel?