Pastors aren't supposed to have doubts. Pastors aren't supposed to have struggles. It's like we are supposed to be a well put together person dealing with broken and hurting people. What does a pastor do when he's hurting? Well there is the religious right answer "You always have God" or there's the church government answer "suck it up and don't let them see you sweat" and then there is God's answer Transparency.
Brutal honest with myself, with God, and with people you can trust.
With Myself: I have to come to the grand conclusion that I am not perfect, that I can't please everybody let alone most people, I am not like those I keep comparing myself to, and that I cannot love another if I do not love myself. It kills me that no matter how well I think I know these things that I have yet to live them down. For me, they all kind of run hand in hand. I try to be perfect to please everyone (or sometimes just someone) which causes me to compare myself to others in order to gauge my success which ultimately causes me to fall into a prolonged state of self pity and self hate. And that was just today! I need to be honest with my self about the uniqueness God has created me with. Honest in that fact that I am going to fail, but I'm not a failure! Honest that I have only One I need to be concerned with pleasing and therefore I matter to Him and I should matter to me! Oh how I wish this was as easy as it sounds, but it's easier to type this to you then it is for me to believe it for me.
With God: The idea that we need to be honest with God is still kind of like an oxymoron for me. How can we be dishonest with God? Or hold back from God? No, I think the key for this one, for me, is in the "Brutal" part. I have to be real, authentic, and honest with Him. No fake religious prayers with all the right Christianese. If I'm mad, I got to be mad with God. If I'm hurt, I got to be hurt with God. If I'm joyful, I've got to be joyful with God. Being brutally honest with God, again... for me, is just being me with no mask on, no filter, just me raw and uncut. I find it hard to believe the Gospel when my faith life has become ritualized. (kinda where I'm at right now)
With People I can Trust: I'm a pretty transparent guy even from the pulpit. My wife says I can be a bit too transparent at times! It' funny because I can talk about a lot of issues I struggle with from the pulpit, but not unbelief. It's almost like a taboo, a closing of the casket door if you will, for a pastor to even utter the idea that he doesn't fully believe God. Some of the reason is simply due to my own need to be needed and people don't need a pastor who struggles with unbelief. A pastor can struggle with porn, alcohol, drugs, women, money what ever and it seems there is redemption. Yet, when I struggle for worth as a person I'm supposed to be beyond that! Well, I'm not. Yet I try to surround myself with mentors, pastors, encouragers and even counselors. With all the people in the church coming to the pastor with their problems (and the problems of others) does anyone ever ask "where does the pastor go? Who does he talk too?" I have a Pastor/Mentor in my life right now that is really awesome, but my insecurities even attack that relationship. I have started counseling because lately I have been disastrously close to giving up. And I read as much as I can to strengthen my identity in Him.
There are times in this pastor's life where it is easier for me to believe the gospel for you than it is for me to believe it for me. Am I alone on that? Does any other pastor/minister/person find it hard to believe as a believer? How have you gotten through these times? Please comment and share your experience with me and the rest of the viewing audience! Don't forget to subscribe! I don't always post, but when I do, you can believe I am somewhere between faith and failure.
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