Throwing in the Towel

"Enough is enough! I quit! Time to throw in the towel because I am beat, battered and done! I can't take another blow!"

These thoughts and many like them have been racing through my mind today. I've had thoughts about drinking, drugs, and suicide. I am exhausted from the fight, I am swollen beyond being able to properly see and I just want to lay down. Why can't I quit? Why can't I just give in? Do I not have anyone in my corner willing to throw in the towel?

One of my favorite movies growing up was Rocky. Now there is a guy who doesn't know the meaning of quit! What makes a guy like Rocky keep going? What makes a Rocky able to keep taking hits and staying in the fight? Maybe I just don't have what it takes... whatever "it" is. Not enough courage, not enough strength, not enough purpose, not enough motivation, not enough "It". A guy can only take so much before he is out of gas. If the fight goes on he may end up with sever brain damage, or even worse DEATH. I'm tired, I'm worn, I'm beaten, and yet I keep going. It feels as if I'm in the ring with punches coming from all angles and my corner is yelling to fight. All I want is the towel...THROW THE TOWEL ALREADY!

What is this metaphor? It seems that no matter how much I desire to do what God has called me to do there is always something there to knock me down. I choice my work over my family, I'm an angry husband and father, I'm living a duplicitous life (one way in front of others and another way at home), the ministry of others flourish as mine circles the drain. It feels as if it would be simpler to just quit, get a nine to five, and not care. How relaxing that sounds!

Do you see why I can't trust my feelings? I have to believe the gospel beyond how I feel or else I will lay down for the count. I am not always sure what the answer is here when I find myself on the failure end of things, but I do know I can't lay down, I can't give up! I know what God has called me to do, sadly I'm torn between what I know and how I feel. For me that is a dangerous place to be. Most of my current exterior circumstances are calling for quits, but that would be too easy. I must rely on the strength of the Lion of Judah... to keep my eye on the Tiger! 

 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, where unto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.

~2nd Timothy 6:12