Feeling Short Changed???

So when it rains it pours, even for pastors. The last couple of weeks have been really stressful for me. It seems as if my heart sinks every time I hear the mail car come to the mail box... I used to love receiving mail. Bills are piling up, food getting more expensive, gas more expensive and used more, diapers x2, it feels like a sinking ship. I ask within my heart, "God, what's going on?" Working the ministry by day and a part-time job by night is wearing me out and yet my heart's desire is to be about my Father's business. Living doesn't seem like living at all. I feel as if I'm in the shadow of my loose change.

I sure am glad to know that I can't go on my feelings all the time! More often than not my feelings lie to me. I take a step back and see all of God's provision. He told me starting out that provision would come from where I least expected it to. He has proven himself right every time. People with very little are helping us keep our ends met. Food stays in the refrigerator and I don't know how! I call to find out why a certain bill is higher than normal and the company tells me it's not a bill but a credit! A friend stops by late at night on the way home from church and says, "God told me to give you this." handing us some cash. Provision!

Yet, I sit here now wondering how in the world I am going to pay my bills. What's wrong with me! It seems the more God shows His unfailing provision, the more I wonder how "I'm going to do it". At times it can be so easy to get caught up in the "I'll believe it when I see it" and then God shows it to me and I still doubt!

I don't want to sound all "unspiritual" with my doubts. I don't doubt God is God. I don't even doubt that God can provide. What I always end up doubting is "This Time". Will God provide "this time". I have had well meaning pastor and minister friends say all the right spiritual things like; "You have to stand on His word", "Believe like you know it's going to happen" and my favorite "Claim it and it's yours"! Easy things to say when you know Christianeese.

I want an authentic faith that is proven throughout life's storms. I guess that is why God has me in this spot. Let's call it "on the job training". When I tell someone else to trust God to provide, I don't want it to be some wishy washy pastoral nicety. I want it to come from a place deep within me that has struggled with the same issue honestly, transparently (coming from a ghost writer!), and authentically. I want it to be real.

One thing I am continuing to learn is that God is faithful... period. Struggling with all my doubts is just that, My Doubts. God and His work aren't effected by my doubts. Only I am. My inability to trust God doesn't hinder Him, it hinders me from seeing what He is doing right before my eyes. God is faithful. Being in this place of poverty is like no other place I have been. I have more opportunity to see God at work than if I were rich. If I were rich I doubt my heart would be set on God anyway. No, I would not trade the spiritual wealth of poverty for the worldly wealth of spiritual poverty. I'm content with my change!