Confession: I am a Depressed Pastor

I'm a pastor and I battle depression... the worst kind of depression. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. What's the point? We are supposed to be in the profession of helping people and it seems like there is a never-ending line of need. And that's not even the worst part, at least in my area us pastors can put on a good face of 'cooperation" but we really work in competition with one another trying to have the bigger and better programs then the church down the street.
I have been in ministry for over ten years now and I have had some really great and life changing experiences;  things I will never forget. I have also experienced some of the most painful hurt imaginable by the church. Superficial relationships, favoritism, criticism, judgmentalism, and the worst of all and the only way I can explain it is The spirit of Jezebel, or the subtle yet hostile takeover of a church.
Reflecting back, here is what made these times really hard; lack of support. We talk a lot in Christianity about being there for one another... but let's be honest, the majority of churches are word not deed. I was a pastor on staff with three other pastors and we should have been bound together so tightly that the demons in hell had no chance, but we weren't. Some were chasing dreams of grandeur, others were too self-important, one was too new, and then there was me the lost and lonely sheep needing his shepherd. Our nucleus fell apart.
Since then I have tried to stay on my "spiritual feet" sotosay. It has not been an easy journey. I have questioned everything about my calling and even my faith. I just don't understand God sometimes... okay, most of the time! Things felt so right back then. There was purpose.
 Today I am faced with uncertainty. I have an unstable job that could end very soon. I may have to begin raising my own funds, which has failed for me in the past. And people keep saying all the cliche things that I would tell others; "God has a plan"  "If God led you to it He will see you through it", "He is your provider". And I want to believe those things.... I do. I just don't know if I can.

Lastly, and the scariest part of all, if this last endeavor doesn't work out I feel like I am going to give up on ministry altogether. I don't know what that means for me and God right now, but for me and helping others... I will be officially done. I will be done with Church. I will be done with the whole facade that is Christianity. I am a depressed Pastor.   

I always think it's them. I always find

The Unknown Variable

"Ministry? Where do I sign up? Think about the excitement! Think about all of the wonderful things we will see and experience! What joys are ahead of us! I can't wait!"

I don't know know about any of you, but I thought like that. I was excited to join the gospel ministry team! I was young and enthusiastic. I remember thinking how I was going to change the world around me! That is until I found out about the unknown variable...


I guess I was kind of simplistic in my ideology;

I was lost and hopelessly in need of saving 

+ 

A Savior seeking to restore lives

+

An open heart 

_____________________________

Changed Life 

My first crack at real ministry was in a homeless shelter. I came smack dab face to face with the unknown variable. The first couple of years didn't weigh that heavy on me. Soon though, the heavy weight sunk deep. How come no one told me? Did they tell you? How come no one prepared me? Did they prepare you? The unknown variable...

Heartbreak

Soon I found out that having to be privy to the choices of others would not be what I signed up for, but what I would have to learn to endure as a pastor and a friend. 

Living in the Shadow of Someone Greater

Recently one of my childhood icons passed away. James Brian Hellwig, AKA The Ultimate Warrior died April 8th 2014. Memories of the Warrior are vivid growing up with the WWF. Yet there was another competitor that shined above all others, one who would become the largest household name for wrestling... Hulk Hogan! The Warrior, though great (and my personal favorite) would live in the shadows of Hulk-A-Mania. I have a Hulk in my life... how about you?

Warranted or Waived?

Failure confuses me! When I fail I have this huge shot to my insecurity and I begin to wonder what has caused my epic blunder. I question myself, I question others, I question timing, and I even question God. Then there is always that "one person", you know... the one that always says the super spiritual thing like "It just wasn't meant to be or God would have allowed it... He must have something better for you." In the moment, I want to punch that person in the face. Yup, I just typed that. My question today is this: "Is my (and yours) failure warranted or waived"?

Some Days I'm Just Done!

Exhausted, fatigued, frustrated... some days I'm just done! Is there any other minister or christian out there that ever feels like this? It seems the harder one works, the more one pours themselves out the more emptiness and that seems to ensue.

Why the struggle? What is the determined end? How can one expect to continue on? Can someone really resign from ministry? From community? From the faith? Is it any wonder why so many pastors leave the pastorate? I can't be alone here.....

When Giving All You Have Doesn't Seem To Be Enough

I guess it makes me feel alone. It makes me feel as if no matter what I do there is always a better way of doing it. All of my original ideas that I can get excited about get the steam taken right out from under them as improvements are "suggested" or ideas are offered for "consideration".
Is it just me? Am I only competing against my own assumptions? Or is there an underlying message hidden just beneath the tone of the conversations? What does one do when you are giving all you have, but it never seems to be good enough?