How Did Hosea Do It?

 "Love her as Hosea loved his wife." 

Those were the words I heard the day I was given the worst news I have every received. This news devastated me, it wrecked my whole world, and decimated my faith and everything I thought I believed. Worst part of it all, I was the instrument of my own demise. Those six words I KNOW the Lord spoke to me on December 23 2018 has been the most painful and challenging declaration the Lord has ever spoken over me. How? How can I do this? It's too painful Lord! I begged... HOW?

I have been addicted to drugs and experienced withdraw, I have been homeless at times with no where to rest my head, I have been hunted and sought by men who wanted to harm me, I have been arrested for and convicted for crimes I committed and sentenced to prison. I have been in the company of hundreds of men and felt utterly alone. I know what it is to go hungry. I know what it is to be forsaken. And yet, even through all of that, I was able to see what the Lord was doing. 

December 23rd 2018 my wife of 10 years came home and sat me down to tell me something. She told me she had been unfaithful. Now, our marriage was on the lingering edge and toppling fast, but I never expected this. I remember that my instant feeling was compassion. I felt forgiveness. I knew it was the Lord. Don't get me wrong I was crushed. But I knew a God that could do anything! Including fix this. I looked my beautiful wife in the eyes and said we would get through this... God would get us through. 

Later that night, I went out into the front yard to have it out with God. The weight of what had happened was beginning to hit me. How? Why this? I thought my marriage was "safe" and yet my wife felt our marriage was over. In the yard that night I let out on God. Why was this happening to me? Didn't I spend the last decade serving Him? I had ministries fail, friendships fail, finances fail... and now, the one thing I held in such high regard as though nothing could tough... was touched! I don't remember much of what I said to God that night. None of that probably even matters. All I do remember is those seven words "Love her as Hosea loved his wife". I didn't even know Hosea's story all that well. What did it mean?

After some research and reading I found that Hosea chose Gomer, no matter her flaws. He loved her. At some point she went back to her lovers. But what did Hosea do? How did he feel about that? What kind of emotions did he experience? I don't know because the Bible doesn't say. I can tell you what I have felt. Anger, grief, sadness, inadequacy, unwanted, hopelessness, the list could go on. Did he try and communicate with Gomer? Did he try to win her back? Did he try to convince her of his love for her? I don't know because the Bible doesn't say, but I've tried only to have my hope snatched from me. 

At some point I would imagine Hosea put up some boundaries. The Bible tells us that Gomer was left to her lovers and how she credited them for all the "assistance" they were providing her, and yet it was really the Lord providing those things trying to get her attention. Eventually He withdrew those blessings to leave her barren. She comes to the realization she must return to her husband Hosea. The Lord speaks to Hosea and he goes and buys her back! No longer does she belong to her slave masters but to her Husband. What a beautiful ending. 

Many months later and on the verge of divorce, I am standing in my kitchen (living separately from my wife) and God's word to me still had not changed. I cried out to God and said "I can't do it! I can't love her like Hosea loved Gomer! It's too painful!" Then the Lord spoke something to me... He said "I know son, your Gomer". The weight of that moment was unbelievable. It was no longer about what had been done to me, but about what I have been doing to God. The Story of Hosea wasn't just about him, but the people of God. Jesus loved (s) me even at my worst, even when I am choosing other things than him, even when I am unfaithful. 

At this moment in time 11/3/20 I have drawn some boundaries with my wife as she is still in a relationship with another man. I have told her she needs to choose. I am not sure if this is "Hosea" like or not, but I have come to the point where I know I have to choose Jesus even after he has chosen me. I have chosen my wife even through all the pain I caused her and the pain she has caused me. Gomer came to the point where she chose Hosea. I believe that when a man and a woman get married they choose each other for ever... no matter what. Things can get bad, but God can always work a miracle if both parties choose. I believe God indeed chose us and chose us before we ever chose Him... but we have to choose Him. I have to choose Love, I have to choose God, and I have to choose my wife beyond any pain or pleasure. But Hosea didn't make Gomer choose... God orchestrated circumstances to bring Gomer to the end of her pleasures and sin. God has and continues to do that with me. Will He do that with my Gomer? I pray so. My only question is... How did Hosea do it? How did he endure until God said Gomer was ready?

How Did I Get Here?

 

Have you ever asked yourself "How did I get here"? Many of us have come from such depths having God restore us and use us to do many might works for the Kingdom, then one day we find ourselves hiding in a cave consumed by fear. Have you been there? Are you there now? I am standing at the mouth of my grotto peering out to a world I once moved confidently in and now I am wondering "How did I get here?" If that is you too, than I want to share with you something God placed on my heart today as I sat in a church totally tuned out to the pastor and completely tuned into what the Lord was saying to my heart. Join me as we prepare for departure...

It all started as I lay sleeping in my bed this morning. Visions of the Lord's work in my life were playing on the reel of my dreamscape. I awoke praising Him for all of the wonderful works and opportunities I had to be such a blessing in the lives of others. You see, this was the very work that my wife used as an excuse for the destruction of our marriage. She used the ministry work as a weapon over the last few years and I had come to believe the perspective she would attack with. Yet, this morning God blessed me with His presence in such a way that I saw this work was indeed not the cause but very much so the Kingdom work He himself called me to over 2 decades ago. 

I went to church this morning with a new pep in my step as I felt relieved that the work I had done was not in vain, but that the Lord lead me in those things and He was very aware of my plight and doubt. As I sat in church the worship and the preaching just wasn't connecting (sorry Pastor! It was a great word though). God began to speak directly to my heart. He began to bring to my remembrance Elijah and Jezebel. As I am sure you may, I know the story well. I pulled out my cell phone and began to look at 1st Kings 18-19 but felt a little disrespectful to my Pastor while he was speaking and I was on my phone. I put the phone away but God kept bringing the story to mind.

Quick paraphrase... Elijah gets in a showdown with the priest of Baal to show whose God is the real deal. Of course God shows up and shows out and Baal does not. Elijah then slew all the priests. Ahab runs back and tells Jezebel and she vows to kill Elijah. What does Elijah do? After seeing the might works of God and slaying the priests... whom I am sure didn't get slain willingly... Elijah runs and hides! He ends up in a cave at Horeb. Now, this is where God began dealing with me.

I began to think to myself I wonder if Elijah asked himself "How did I get here?" What could cause a man who has seen so many might works of God to run and hide from this threat? All of a sudden I felt like I was in that cave with Elijah. How did I, having seen so many mighty works of God, end up in this grotto of my own? How did I get here God!?!?!? I felt God say to me, "Why do you fear Jezebel?" By then, the sermon was over and we were standing for an alter call. It felt like only seconds that this interaction between God and I was, but it had been almost an hour. 

I went on about my day, bumped into my Jezebel her threats, then went home feeling yet again enclosed in my cave. Once again, my Jezebel was trying to execute what God was trying infuse. I laid on my bed and pulled my actual bible (not an electronic device) into my lap and opened 1st Kings. To my surprise, God showed up again. As I read His word in chapters 18-19 I saw something I had never caught before... As I said, I knew this story well. In the cave, God speaks to Elijah in that "still small voice" and says to him "What are you doing here, Elijah?" The Lord actually said it to him twice. Both times Elijah's rebuttal is "I loved you God, I have done your work, everyone else is gone, and now I am alone!" (my paraphrase). God tells him "Go, return on your way  to the wilderness..." In that moment, in that cave, God asks Elijah..."What are you doing here?" Then puts him back on mission! 

I thought maybe God would answer my "How did I get here?". Maybe Elijah did too? But God didn't! God literally said "what are you doing here?". I, along with Elijah I believe, allowed Fear and manipulation from a perceived threat cause us to forget all that God has done... The MIGHTY power He has displayed... The ABUNDANT riches he possesses... and the AMAZING grace he shows to those who love and follow Him. In that very moment, just a couple hours ago, God... through scripture, asked me... "George, What are you doing here?"

Beloved brother or sister reading this (if anyone ever really does), If you feel that fear has pushed you into hiding, that Jezebel's threats have some sort of power over you... I want to encourage you to emerge from your cavern because YOU DO NOT BELONG THERE! Emerge to the purpose God has set before you! Fear is not of the Lord and Love casts out all fear! The Jezebels of this world have no power in their threats! You are not alone! Stand! You are not a caveman but a Christ One! Remember what God has done and remind yourself and others what He can do! Fear is a threat... God is a promise!     

Reap What We Sow

 So As I have said, my life fell apart since my last post in 2018. On Dec 23rd my marriage was rocked by some unwanted events. We tried our best to work through what happened, but the weight of it ended up being too much for me and I started drinking. The drinking brought out a bad perspective on Christianity and my Christian friends. I got to the point where I wasn't sure I wanted to be a Christian any longer. By the first of the new year I was drinking every night. My wife and I were anything but close. She went out of town for a couple weeks. When she got to her destination she called me and told me she wanted to separate. That night I made the decision to sabotage my the rest of my existence. Before I left the house a great friend of mine called and got me into treatment for substance abuse.

I share all that to come to this idea, "how did I get here?" Upon going to treatment and leading up to this very moment, I have had a lot of time to ask myself that question. For over the last decade I thought I was doing God's will for my life. How did I end up with a broken marriage, family, faith, and sobriety? This question has plagued me night and day. My wife placed a lot of blame for our marriage problems on the fact I was never home, always helping others, and if I was home "I wasn't home". She wasn't wrong. 

Looking back now, I see that I gave the best of myself to those I tried to help, while bringing the worst of myself home to my family because that is where I felt safest to be "me" and not "Pastor". The one place I was suppose to be the priest of I was the pestilence. My wife endured for a long time. She loved me at my worst until my worst became dangerous. I was suicidal and self destructive. In the community I was well liked and well respected, at home I was a tyrant or absent. 

Today, I see that I am experiencing the weight of my sin. Yes, that's right, I am reaping what I sowed. One might look at my life and think I am wrong. It's not like I was a murderer or something. But there was sin in my life just as with any other. It's funny that we forget how the Bible defines sin...

"But the one who doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith: and everything that does not come from faith is sin" ~ Romans 14:23 NIV

Now Paul is addressing Jewish culture and eating things that are consider unclean. But his statement "Everything that does not come from faith is sin". So what is my "everything? What is yours? We can do lots of great things but doing them from any source other than God's leading is sin. There was plenty of that in my household. I was a priest of many things by faith, but my home was not one of them.

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." Gal 6:7-8

During what I thought were the "good years" I was fooling many people, but I wasn't fooling God. He CANNOT be mocked! I am not curtain what I was doing to please the flesh and what I was doing to please the Spirit, but I am curtain I was pleasing the flesh because I was reaping destruction. You can read the my previous posts and see my depression. Somewhere... somehow... I was doing things not from faith, but from flesh and destruction was building. 

Then came the eruption, 2018. At the time I would have argued it anyone's fault but my own. Sure I might have claimed some responsibility, but God had some serious work to do in me to bring me were I am now. Where am I? I am on the harvest field seeing the reaping of the seeds I sown into the field of family. My wife and I went right up to the last day before court before we called off the divorce. There were tumultuous arguments and maneuvers to try and get the upper hand on each other. Our children suffered and are suffering. My faith was almost non existent at times or if it was, it was an anger at God like I have never known. So much mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual destruction. And it was all the harvested crop of seeds planted by flesh.   

"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." ~Romans 6:23

Let's just put this out on front street... We are eternal beings... saved or unsaved. Saved = Eternity with God... Unsaved = Eternity without Him. Having said that, lets look at this verse in the light of eternity now. The wages of sin is death. Saved or unsaved. But what is death? Just physical? If we read this chapter we see that it talks of slavery to sin. I'm just gonna keep going, because this could be an entire blog itself! The wages of sin is death. For me, I began to reap death mentally, emotionally, physically, and ultimately spiritually. Mentally with depression. Emotionally as each God given emotion slipped my grasp and only anger was left. Physically as I jeopardized my sobriety. And spiritually, not that I lost my salvation, but that I lost who I was... who God created me to be and started behaving and believing like someone I was not. 

I have come to this conclusion. Where I am today, Separated from the woman God gave me, broken in my faith, and unsure of my relative future I know and take responsibility that this is due solely to the fact that I am reaping what I have sown: A life where I didn't put God at the CENTER of all things in my life. The great part of this all is... I cannot stay in the company of the task master of sin for very long. Now that God has/is opening my eyes I know what must be done. I must get back to the CENTER and from there I may start to plant in a new field and plant by faith so that I might let this current crop burn and focus on God's provision for the future. Maybe sometimes we need a rotten harvest in order to know and expect better. Time to till the field and start over. Start fresh. 
 

Do Whatever It Takes

 Wow... my last post from 2018... and my life fell apart! Good news? Turns out I'm not a narcissist! Narcissist have no remorse, and as I might share in coming posts... I am filled with remorse over what has happened to me, to my family, to my faith, and to my life. But I guess if I am going to start writing again, I will have to go back to the prayer that started it all... 

There is this prayer that I have only prayed a couple of times, but each time I prayed it... God has totally wrecked my life. The first version of it was "God, do what ever it takes to bring me to you." I was about 21 or 22 years old. I was engaged to a beautiful young lady and what she was doing with me I have no idea! I was a drug addict and alcoholic that had career plans of being a criminal. We had been engaged for about 2 years and our relationship was at its end. I laid in bed next to her and prayed "God, do what ever it takes to bring me to you." A few short weeks this young lady finally had enough and left me and I was later arrested for crimes I committed and on my way to prison. This is where I surrendered to Christ. My life was wrecked, but in the end I gained so much more than I lost! Especially since when I got out of prison I only had a single box of belongings to my name. 

So many good (and bad) things happened in the years to come. Some are contained in this blog. Ultimately, I served the Lord, Found a beautiful wife that far surpassed my dreams, got ordained, started a couple failed attempts at ministries, was a part of some other great ministries and churches, had 3 beautiful kids. Yet, things weren't easy. I struggled with my faith. Ministry and life wore on me. Disappointments and failures had more influence in my life than I should have let. The end result being that I brought all of my hurt and pain home (when I came home) and unleased it on the ones I loved the most, my family. 2018 my wife started talking about separation. We both just broke. We allowed satan to weave the lie in both our lives. 

One night early 2018, I found myself outside praying to God a similar prayer of desperation. I prayed "God, I remember our time while I was in prison and I long for it again. Do whatever it takes to bring me back to you." I didn't think I was lost, but I knew that I wasn't found either... if that makes sense. Shortly after this the D word was dropped. My bags were packed. Our addresses were different. Our bills separated and lawyers hired. How the hell did I get here??? How did I go from the bottom to the top to the bottom again? 

"God do whatever it takes". Do I wish I wouldn't have prayed that? Well the first time it resulted in my true salvation. The second time, two years later, the results still aren't in. I have lost just about everything. I am still separated from my wife. Things are hard. My faith currently is only in the fact that Jesus is Savior and Lord and saved me from my sins and an eternity in hell. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING theologically I once held tight to the cuff is currently in question. But God brings me back to this prayer... "I"... prayed. What does "whatever it takes" look like?

Not sure why this verse comes to mind. I  am not completely sure I am hearing clearly from the Lord anymore. This may be on point or completely out of context. You can always comment your thoughts... if anyone ever reads this...

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." John 15:1-5

Did I not remain in Him? Was I broken of to be thrown into the fire and burned? Does this mean I have lost the faith I once had? Will I ever abide again? This verse brings more questions to me than answers now that I look at it. I thought, at the beginning of this post it would mesh well with what I wanted to write. Now, I am left wondering why this verse on my heart? Break me... yes, throw me into the fire... yes, Burn me... yes as long I "whatever it takes" brings me back to you Lord.

I pray that is with a restored marriage and family. If it's not, I will need you even more because I will face the truth that what I thought I believed might not be true at all. If that's the case... So much more is at stake. Whatever it takes LORD... 

The Narcissist in Me

My life has completely crumbled right before my very eyes. Over the last several weeks I have never been so close to drinking my self into oblivion. The attack always seems to start at home, with those you love the most, with those you are closest to. A couple of weeks ago, my wife told me she wanted a separation. She Google diagnosed me as a narcissist with several very telling links. My wife who has her Bachelor's in Psychology. It didn't piss me off that she was wrong, it pissed me off that she was right! So I told a dear friend of mine about this and he gave me some solid advice; "Look at the man in the mirror."

Some People Just Can't Understand

People ask me all the time "how are you doing" or "tell me what's wrong". They just don't get that I can't because it's as complicated to explain as the picture to the left. Depression and the "whys" of it aren't a simple matter for those that are seriously clinically depressed. There are so many contributing factors large and small that, at times, I don't even know where to begin when someone asks me what's wrong. So how do I let someone in my head?

Fairweather & StormChasers

You can learn a lot from the coming of a storm. Living where I do I watch them on the horizon all the time, it's kind of beautiful... until they hit. The storms of life have taught me a lot too. Mostly they have taught me the difference between fairweather friends and stormchaser friends. Funny thing is you can never really tell which is which until the storm is upon you and really causing havoc. For a pastor, I found I had a lot of fairweather friends. But there was a surprise in the midst of my storm.